singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Goodbye Tim Well...I'm single again. I'm sad. I've been in bed all weekend. Well, except for Friday. Let me back up... Tim and I dated for 5 months and the first 4 months were great - mostly. I never had the chemistry with Tim that I had with Chad. Tim was a nice guy who liked me and he eventually won me over. There were things about him/his life that I didn't like: 1. The amount he travels - over half the year he is out of town. I'm not very good at waiting home for someone. I didn't like doing it and it bothered me that he was out drinking with his co-workers every night and I was at home counting the days until he returned home. Not that I don't have my own life, but I don't go out drinking every night anymore. 2. The passion - it did improve with time and I do think I genuinely loved him and had a good time with him, but we never had the "rip off your clothes, can't live without you" passion that I had with other people. 3. He was very...docile. That's fine, but I'm a passionate person who likes to talk and interact and am extremely touchy-feely and he was quiet and not really into PDA. It made me feel...unattractive sometimes. I was jealous of other couples who held hands and acted like they liked each other in public. 4. He didn't think he wanted to have kids, and I do more than anything. So, for those reasons, I can't imagine getting back together with him. Plus, he wasn't very nice to me these past few weeks...he returned from a month-long trip and he must have fallen out of love with me (something happened). When he returned he was grumpy and distant, but then loving and back to normal the next day. I spent the past two weeks walking on egg shells around him, trying to do everything I could to make him happy. We had plans to go to Vegas next weekend (and to MI this weekend), so I was trying to hold off...hoping it got better at least. Thursday night we went out, came home, had sex and then he told me he wasn't sure if he was in love with me. Nice. Long story short he told me that he thought he loved me, but that he doesn't want to be in a relationship. That he is fucked up and he always does this. He thought I was different - that I was the one, but then he saw me with my nieces and freaked out. I told him that I loved him and was willing to figure things out, etc (I wanted to say that I gave it my all) and he said, "I don't know what I want." I told him that wasn't good enough and said, "You're in or you're out." He thought about it for a few minutes and said, "I'm out." I grabbed all my thinks (got dressed) and left and didn't look back. This is a hard break up though. I am surprised by how sad I am...I guess that up until a few weeks ago, I really thought he was the one. Plus, except for the past few weeks, he was my best friend. I miss him. I didn't go to work Friday (already had the day off since we were supposed to go to MI to visit his family again)...I went out to dinner with my girlfriends and had a great time. They were shocked by how okay I was. I was hoping that I just wasn't that sad, but I told them that I thought I was just in shock - I was. Michael, my ex from Texas, was in town and met me for drinks after my friends left. We hadn't seen each other since we broke up in January. He clearly has feelings for me still...I thought maybe I would sleep with him to help me feel better, but I couldn't. He kissed me and there was nothing there. I was drunk too and still couldn't do it. Kind of awkward, but I think he understood... But, since Friday after Michael left, I've barely gotten out of bed. So tired and sad and just...blah. This might be one of the worst break-ups that I've had. One of the worst, anyway. I'll be fine. Was going to start anti-depressants - even took my first one yesterday, but I remember that it halted my weight loss and I can't do that again. I now weigh 245 pounds!!! I gained back 35 of the pounds that I lost...so, I need to channel my sadness and loneliness into improving myself. Being "skinny" again will help me so much. And I am ready to find the one...the right one. But, I need to get back to where I'm comfortable again. I looked pretty good at 200 - 210. I'm a big, curvy girl, so I don't think I'll ever get below 170 - 160...I just need to get back down and continue to lose...finish my weight loss journey. I lost my 100 pounds 2 years ago and haven't done anything since. That's all I got...I just want to be back to normal and not alone forever...or even for that long. I'm ready. 3:06 p.m. - October 25, 2009 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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