singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fuck! I'm trying to give Chad the benefit of the doubt...I really am. I am going above and beyond what most people would do. I really believe that. Yet, here I am, at 1:30 in the morning, and I'm so mad, that my heart is burning and I can't sleep. I'm so angry. Tomorrow is Peyton Manning's Gala. Chad is volunteering with me. It's a big deal - it's the biggest party in Indy and it's hard to get tickets. It's hard to even volunteer. So, he's excited. Great. Okay, so let's back up. Tuesday, Cinco de Mayo. We had plans. To get together at 8. I was going to go to his house, we were going to go out to dinner and drinks. I rushed home, got all ready and then met the girls out for happy hour at 5:30. Chad texted me at 7:15 to cancel for the night. He was just too busy. So rude. I'm sorry, but that's rude. Who cancels a date 45 minutes before it starts?!? Wednesday, he asked me to go shopping with him to find a shirt and pants for tomorrow night. Great, but then he canceled on me again. This time he canceled during the day, so not nearly as inconvenient for me. Meanwhile, what is my response to all this? Mostly nothing. I'm nice and understanding. However, I booked a $200 hotel room for tomorrow night for us (which he knows about)...so, since he canceled on me two days in a row since he's SO busy, I think it's totally justified that I double-checked with him that he still wants to do the hotel. That's he's not too busy or is going to rush me out the next morning. And if that's the case, we would still volunteer, but not get the hotel (24 hour cancellation policy). He told me no, he was so looking forward to seeing me. It was getting him through the week. Whatever, fine. So, because it rained all day yesterday (and all his busy work has to do with outside stuff), I double-checked this morning that we were still good to go for the hotel. Not because I'm being bitchy or mean, but really because he's super busy and it's been raining (which I said in my email). Bottom line, I don't want to waste money. His response? "I don't know why you're acting this way. I already told you I wanted to stay in the hotel." Really? He has no idea? So I told him that he has been known to cancel plans at the last minute, so I was just making sure. And that I know he's busy and it's been raining, etc. And, no response. And then a few hours later, I ask if we can use his personal laptop tomorrow night when volunteering. And nothing. I really need to know if we can, because I need 6 laptops and so I email again...this time I fucking apologize. "Sorry, if I seemed short. I just wanted to make sure, but I can't wait for tomorrow! Can you just let me know one way or the other if we can use your laptop?" Nothing. Now, we talked about going out tonight and me meeting his friends. We talked about this several times. I texted him on my way home and told him where I was going to be tonight if they wanted to stop by. Nothing. Later (because I'm a huge loser), I texted him again, "I am missing you and can't wait to see you tomorrow." Nothing. Finally 6 hours later, he responds with, "I feel the same way. Tomorrow is going to be a great time." So then I respond with, "Wow. Haven't heard from you all day. Are you out having fun?" "No, helping a friend. We talked this morning." "We did, but you never answered my question about your computer." And....NOTHING. I wanted to say, "Nor did you respond about going out tonight or about how I had a horrible day (which I talked about in my apology email)." Part of me wants to just tell him to forget tomorrow night. Thanks, but no thanks. He's using me to get to Peyton's party and for the hotel. It's kind of obvious...I haven't seen or spoken to him verbally since Saturday. And he's my boyfriend. Ridiculous. He can't take the 30 seconds to respond to me?!? Rude. Completely inconsiderate. I'm not sure I have time tomorrow to deal with this. It's going to be a crazy-busy day. But how the fuck can I be all, "Hi honey!" when he treats me like shit?!? How pathetic do I have to be?!? I SO want to text him, "You clearly have no real interest in me, so thanks for offering to help tomorrow night, but it's no longer needed." And maybe you all disagree with me. Maybe I expect too much. I don't think so. Nobody else in my life thinks so. But irregardless, I need more. Right or wrong, I need more. I've told him that. Point blank told him exactly what I needed and he doesn't care. At all. That's not okay with me. How can that be okay? Part of me wants to just suck it up for tomorrow, act like things are great. Have sex, have fun and let him go afterwards. Part of me thinks I need to have self-respect and tell him to fuck off. Although I could still do that after the sex. I have had a horrible week. Because of Chad, because of work and because of my weight. Every single day so far has been bad. It's pretty fun. Fuck it. 1:24 a.m. - May 08, 2009 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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