singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I sound crazy, I know So, I think I'm kind of being bitchy...I decided to respond to Michael, but not really be that open. He asked how I was doing in a text last night and I said, "I'm ok." I could have said, "I'm so sad you're not coming" or "Everything is great," but I went with a more middle of the road answer. I didn't hear back from him. Then this morning he texted and said, "Good Morning! Are you working today?" And I responded, "Yes." I'm not ignoring him, but I'm not fostering conversation either. I thought the older you get, the more you're supposed to know what to do. I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing and I'm so afraid of making a mistake. Of saying or doing the wrong thing. In past relationships, I was told I was too emotional. I cared too much and wore my heart on my sleeve too much. It scared boyfriends away. I lost 100 pounds and with the new body cam the new me, and I decided that I was going to be in control at all times. I'm not sure that's working for me. I'm not sure anything works for me. I think I'm going to go on Xanax or something. You know that medicine takes the edge off? Makes everything blurry...takes the brightness out of your emotions. Maybe that's what I need. Trying to figure Michael out and figuring out my next move is exhausting. It honestly would probably be a relief to stop dating. I don't want to do that though - I just hate having anxiety/panic disorder. It makes everything so exaggerated. Something that wouldn't affect the average person, makes me lose sleep. I fretted over the text "I'm ok" last night so much that I slept for 3 hours. That's ridiculous. I've been trying to fight this on my own and I've done a pretty good job, but maybe it's time I get help. I feel like every day I fight a battle. And I win, but sometimes I don't want to fight. I don't want to worry about if I can breathe or what if I have an attack and I can't find help. Or what will people think of me if I have an attack in front of them? And the funny thing is, I don't really have panic attacks anymore. Maybe two a year. And it doesn't keep me from doing stuff. I breathe through it and I'm fine. It's just hard trying to keep control of yourself and worrying all the time. It's all control issues I know. Losing/gaining weight is control. Anorexics have issues with control. I'm clearly not anorexic, but all this happened around the same time. I starting having panic attacks, started losing weight and now I'm stagnant. Something is going on and maybe instead of ignoring it and just getting by, I should really try to fight it for good. Medication or therapy. Or both. I keep saying that, but never have the courage to really do anything about it. I don't want to be "mentally ill." But I want to stop being angry and scared and sad. I want to be me again and really enjoy and live life. 10:33 a.m. - November 28, 2008 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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