singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- More of the same (not really surprising) Wow, it's been a long time. I wish I had exciting news. I'm engaged! I've lost 40 more pounds! The truth? I weigh the same! I'm still living with my parents! I'm still "dating" Michael! We are totally together - it's just exhausting "dating" someone thousands of miles away. We don't date. We talk on the phone. Awesome! The truth is way less exciting. I'm making progress though. I'm on day 9 of the 30 Day Shred workout. I'm eating healthy and my clothes are fitting differently. I'm back on it. I have been for weeks now. The scale just doesn't know it yet. My debt is literally a few paychecks away from being eliminated. Well, my credit card debt. I still owe my parents $7k. I'm a model child, obviously. Michael and I broke up after Florida and we were both miserable. I dated. Well, I went on two dates - with two different guys. I put myself out there, I tried to move on. Michael is coming here in December and we are going to figure out the details. I'm moving to Austin. I keep waiting for him to freak out again. One more and I'm done. Sometimes I wonder if I'll really move. I want to. I have nothing here that's mine. Yes, I have my family (but they are all paired up and married and have their own lives) and my friends (who are also all paired up and have their own lives) and my job (which is fine, but it's just a job), but nothing is really holding me here. But the thought of packing it all up and making a huge life change is scary. I hate change. And it seems like such hard work. I would have to find a job (in this market?!? And I work in the health care industry - it's still booming - I am kind of an idiot for even thinking about leaving), a furnished apartment (I don't really have anything and I'm not spending thousands of dollars on a moving van) and then Michael and I would have to adjust living in the same city. Plus I would be almost an overnight "mom" to his daughter. Scary. Huge, huge changes. So, I could completely uproot my life, get out of my comfort zone and actually try to get what I want, or I can stay scared and stay in Indy and hope that I find what I'm looking for here. I think more than anything, I'm afraid of being that girl. Most people know one. The 30+ something girl who's never been married. Not because she didn't want to. Not because she's hideous looking or anything. Basically there is nothing *really* wrong with her - she just never got paired up. Never met her match. How tragic is that? It's like a waste of a person. Of a life. I don't want to be all alone in this world. Yes, I have friends and family, but I don't have my partner. My it person. Everyone else in my life has that. Sucks to be rattling around all alone. Another part of me feels that surely God/fate/whatever would have stepped in by now. If Michael wasn't the one for me, surely it would be obvious. I would have had signs. I would have liked one of the guys I dated. I would have met someone else. Or Michael would have. Honestly, he is the first thing I think of every morning when I wake up. I love him. And truthfully, part of my hesitation could be my anxiety disorder. I should probably give in and start taking meds. Xanax is what my doctor keeps prescribing me (I've never had it filled). What if it totally changes my life? What if I love life on Xanax? I sleep through the night? I don't make myself sick with worry...I'm happy?!? What if I lose my insurance or they discover Xanax causes cancer or something? Will my life be unbearable after that? It's not really that bad...I just stew over things more than most people do. I make things bigger than they should. I am very emotional (but I always have been). I should try it and see...I can't worry about the future, right? I need to figure out the present. But, the whole point of the Xanax, was that it would probably help me a lot in this moving process. Also, this diary helps. I need to write more. It's cathartic when I type out what's going on in my head. Kind of like having a shrink... 9:18 p.m. - November 17, 2008 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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