singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh, Michael Things that bug me about Michael: 1. I�m not really his girlfriend. I am not involved in every area of his life. For example, starting this weekend, he is going to be visiting his daughter in Dallas once a month. He will be staying at he ex-wife�s house (with her there). Does that bother me? Yes. Do I understand why he�s doing it? Yes. It�s about his daughter and what�s best for her. But what if I move out there? What if we get married? He can�t keep doing that. And he didn�t even have a conversation with me about it. He just said this is what I�m doing and I know it makes you unhappy. The end. What makes it worse? His ex-wife still doesn�t know that we�re together. He doesn�t want to tell her because that�ll make his visits there harder. His order of importance? His daughter, himself, his ex-wife and then me. What makes it even worse? His mom is lying to his ex-wife about me too. She called his mom while I was out there and she lied and told her that he was in Indianapolis. She didn�t tell her that he was actually in town and with me. 2. Our awkward silences. We haven�t really had that before. I think it�s because we barely talked since the last time I was in Austin. It was because his daughter was there. I do understand that he only sees her every other weekend, a few months in the summer and on holidays. He cherishes the time he has with her and I love that about him. However, him putting me on the back burner for 4 weeks at a time does not work. Since he is the one who has limited time to talk to me, he should wake up early and talk to me on my way to work (not every day, but a few times). Or call me on his way home. I�m sure he could find a few minutes here and there to say hello. We basically went 6 weeks without talking and it was like being with a stranger in some ways. 3. The way he was about other girls. He was being stupid about noticing other girls and talking about girls to me. I don�t understand why. He and his step dad went to a bbq place called Bone Daddies or something like that and he probably talked to me about how hot the girls were about 5 times. His friends are planning on taking him to a strip club for his birthday and he talked about that a lot too. He also was obviously checking out other girls. I get it. Men are visual. Men are going to look (and girls do it too) and it�s fine. And just because the girls he looks at are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay hotter than me, him thinking that has nothing to do with how he feels about me. However, I see him 4-6 days every 6-8 weeks. Surely he can restrain himself just a little (still look, but don�t be so obvious about it) while I�m there. It made me feel like shit about myself and my self-confidence was so low while I was there. 4. His stupid phone. Sometimes he won�t check his voicemail in front of me. But he�s constantly checking his phone. All the time. And every morning when I went downstairs to eat breakfast (at the hotel), he always came down 20 minutes after I did. I�m sure he was calling people. Maybe it was his daughter, but I still think that�s so rude. I basically ate breakfast by myself every single day. And I felt like I had to compete with his cell phone for his time. Again, I am there for less than a week. Check your fucking phone when I�m gone. 5. I love you. He only says it first when we are having sex. Really? Grow up. He�s 30. He should be able to say it first without feeling shy or weird. I know he has a hard time with his emotions, but come on. And especially since I�ve told him over and over again how much things like that mean to me. Again, it�s like what I want or how I feel doesn�t matter to him. Or maybe he just doesn�t really love me. Those are my biggest complaints. So what did I do? I broke up with him. I was in Austin last week from Wednesday � Tuesday (yesterday). Overall we had a great time. Went to Trudy�s for drinks when I got there late Wednesday night, went to Cedar Street on Thursday night, went to Barton Springs on Friday and then to Esther Follies and 6th Street Friday night. We tailgated and went to the UT game on Saturday and then on Sunday we went to the Bat Fest and out to dinner with his parent�s (this was his actual birthday). On Monday we went to Lake Travis and then out to dinner. A busy, fun week. And really, we had lots and lots of sex (the best we�ve ever had) and had a good time. But life is too short. I wasn�t happy and I wasn�t really planning on breaking up with him, but it kind of slipped out. He was paying bills Monday night and I was packing (I left at 6 am on Tuesday) and he said, �Sometimes I think our relationship isn�t fair to you.� I basically said, �It�s not.� And several hours and many tears later, we were through. Sleeping next to him and having him drive me to the airport the next day was awkward. He didn�t want that to happen. He suggested that we take a break or date other people too. I was firm and said no. He said can we be friends? And I said no. I told him I never wanted to talk to him again. Is that harsh? It seems like it might be � we didn�t really fight or anything, but I know that being friends with an ex is so hard. Especially one you love and are still in love with. I will never move on or close this chapter in my life if I keep talking to him. He�s coming to Indy with his daughter in October and wants to see me. I told him no. I kind of think that he needs this tough love. Part of me thinks it should really just be over and I should move on. And I�m going to. But to be honest, another part of me thinks that if he sees what he is missing and sees what a douche he has been to me (I don�t think he did it on purpose � I just think he�s jumped into our relationship too soon after separating from his wife � it was one week). I think he needs to date other people or at least see what�s out there. Sadly I know what�s out there (not much) and I am ready to commit. But not to the wrong person. But I can�t be friends and hear about his wonderful new girlfriend or the new girl he is fucking. I would die. And hate him. Maybe in a few months or so, we (he) will realize that he had what he wanted/needed all along and will appreciate me. I think that�s what he doesn�t do now. He doesn�t value me enough to include me in every part of his life or make me a priority. I�m not holding out for him. I don�t really expect this to happen and to be truthful, it will be much easier for me to date someone in Indianapolis. Someone I can actually see and spend real time with. And I realize that I sound very unemotional and calculated right now (which is different than how I usually sound), so maybe I�m numb. I did cry quite a bit yesterday, but not at all today. This breakup will really be the easiest one for me. He�s never lived here. I won�t have to worry about running into him or hearing about what he�s doing. He�s never been a part of my daily life, so the only thing missing is about 4 hours of phone conversation a week. Here is his email to me last night (and yes, I did wake up in the middle of the night to check my email and phone): It was very difficult for me to not pick up the phone tonight and call you. I at least hope you had a good day, as I am sure you were worn out. So anyway, I think I will respond with my biggest complaints above and leave it at that. I don�t think we�ll find the answers in just a few weeks. I�m going to wait a few days. I was always at his beck and call. It�ll be good for him to wait for me for a change. Not that I think it�ll matter in the end, but we�ll see. I�m just so happy that I have Florida with my girls to look forward to. We�re leaving in 24 days. And I�m busy every weekend until then. A cookout this Sunday (and the first Colts game), Beer Olympics the next weekend, a wedding the weekend after that (and my stupid 31 birthday), and then 2 weekends in Florida and then Michael will be here. It�ll go by quickly. That�s my update. I might have made the stupidest decision of my life, but I don�t think so, And it�s the first time I broke up with a guy (technically I broke up with Jeremy, but that was just because I found out he was going to move out in a few weeks), so I�m happy about that. Happy that I have the confidence in myself to believe that I truly do deserve better. This might not be the end of me and Michael, but it�s the end of our relationship like it is at least. 5:57 p.m. - September 03, 2008 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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