singlegirl's Diaryland Diary

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More Emails

Emails Round Two. Apparently we�re not going to talk on the phone, but just communicate over email. I�m curious as to what he says to my response (below). He keeps saying, �I want to get divorced� but never says he�s going to do it.

Okay, his email to me (go back one entry to see the first round and to hear about his wife calling me):

Nothing? I never said that you were "nothing" to me. I don't think I would have spent hours on the phone and have come across the country to see you if you were "nothing" to me.

Yes, I know that eventually you want to get married and have kids, and I can't tell you what would happen after I get divorced, but, I can tell you that if I met someone that I had a strong connection with, and could see myself with, that the period of time wouldn't matter at all.

This is very hard for me as well. I am going through a range of emotions of sadness, and some sort of jealousy as well, that I don't think I should be feeling. It hurts that I am here trying to figure things out and I met an amazing person who I have a strong connection with somewhere else, that I can't be with, who doesn't want to be in my life til things are more figured out on my end and that person is going to be going out with guys, hooking up here or there and that hurts me. I know that sounds strange and I don't think I should feel that way but, I do. And now, due to what's going on, I have developed a problem with constantly drawing dicks when I have any free time, jk ( that might not be appropriate for this conversation, but I thought I'd throw in a little Superbad humor to lighten the mood a bit).

I didn't know you went through all that with your ex-bf. I guess it never came up. You�re very right that life is too short and I whole heartedly agree with you.

As far as Rebecca goes, I did speak with her about calling you and how angry I was about that. She knows very little about you, but, as far as women and their intuitions go, I can tell she knows what we did, and she can tell that it was more than just physical --I mean she's not an idiot. She also knows that you don't want to be in my life at this time until things are more resolved and she will not call you again.

I do miss you and care about you deeply,and this is obviously not the way I wanted or thought things would go. Yes, you would make a great gf/ wife to someone and I don't know what the future holds at this moment. I'd just hate to miss out on something great (you) due to my situation I do know that I am not happy and can't continue like this. It took me forever to write this email for some reason and hopefully you get this b4 you leave for the day. I hope to hear from you soon.

Michael

And my last email to him (I shouldn�t have encouraged the lighthearted Superbad humor, but we did watch it this weekend and it was hilarious):

Okay, so nothing might have been a little harsh, but I'm not anything either. And I understand I can't be. But you have to understand, this is new to me. I'm used to having what I want when I want it (probably because I tend to NOT date married men).

A big part of me wants to tell you to just get your shit together. If you don't want to be married and you want to see where it goes with me (or anyone else for that matter), then what are you waiting for? I just have a feeling that if you don't do something at some point soon, you'll go back to how you are now. Miserably content.

(Okay, about Superbad, I walked into work this morning and said to my co-worker, "Heard you put the P in the VG." He laughed for a long time. Probably not terribly work appropriate, but funny. And also? I really want you to develop a dick drawing habit.)

You know I'm jealous too. Rebecca gets to see you and talk to you everyday (and provide maintenance as you called it) and that's not fun for me to think about. But, you know I can't sit here and wait for you. You might not get divorced. Or what if it takes you a year to do anything?

As we talked, I'm in my prime and really, I shouldn't keep it all to myself. As I said, talk to me once you make changes in your life and we'll see where we both are.

And yes, the thing with my ex really, really sucked, but I'm 100% over him and he's a complete douche, so I tend not to talk about him. I'm kind of embarrassed about who I was back then. I was weak, scared and needy and really annoying. I'm a completely different person now and I know that after that experience I'm really ready to be with someone and be 100% happy.

That's why I said that as much as it sucked, I'm happy I went through it.

I don't know what else to say to you...I feel like I've expressed everything. You know where I stand and while I know you're not happy, I don't know what you're thinking. And maybe you don't either...

3:36 p.m. - December 12, 2007

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