singlegirl's Diaryland Diary

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The Shit Hit the Fan

I should be a psychic.

I knew I would get my heart broken if I let Michael come visit. I�ve been so sad since Monday night.

THIS is why I don�t miss being in a relationship.

5 pm on Monday my phone rang. It was a Dallas number, but it wasn�t Michael�s. My heart sank. I knew it had to be his wife.

She left a message and was calm and reasonable (for the most part). She started by saying that she was his wife and that she knew we were seeing each other. She also stated that she hoped this happened to me someday (sorry, already has). Then she told me that even though she and Michael were separated and living in separate bedrooms, she wants to work out their marriage. She told me they have a daughter and told me to stay away from him. She left her number several times and asked me to call her.

I immediately called my best friend, who is also the most rational person in the world. I asked her what to do - call the wife back immediately or call Michael? She told me to call Michael. If I went behind his back and called her, we would 100% be over.

I called him and had to wait for him to get off work at 7:30. Meanwhile, I took beer over to my friend�s house and talked to her about the situation.

When Michael called, he was angry that his wife contacted me. He was sad that I was hurt and it was a really hard conversation. His point is that they are separated and even though his wife doesn�t want to be anymore (she was the one who initiated the situation � AND she knows he�s gone on a few other dates), that�s not something he can control.

I�ll copy and paste our emails � that�ll explain it better than I can. I never called his wife back. My friend said I didn�t owe her that. I kind of felt that as a woman, I should.

But seriously � they�re separated (not legally) and dating other people. But, he also lied to her about me and has developed sincere feelings towards me.

I�m not sure what right she has on what he does, but I certainly have none. I�m not anything to him. How can I be when he�s married?

Ugh! Letting someone go that I actually like and have chemistry with really sucks. I haven�t felt this way about someone (and have it be reciprocated) in 4 or 5 years (since the beginning with Jeremy).

Yeah, I got out early, but I miss him desperately and I want him to get divorced. I want him to chose me over her. I would never ask him to do that (to specifically choose me), but I want him to.

Here is his email to me (note how casual it is � this was the morning after his wife called me):
Hey ms flirty at 30, so true right?. Just saying hello. Hope things are going alright. I heard after I left, the weather got even worse. it has been bad here too, if that's any solace to you. I watched a bit of the colts game the other night, what a ass-whuppin that was, your man seemed to do okay, must have been the thoughts of his future with you that were his motivation, lol. I figured since we didn't get to small talk too much last night, I could small talk a little here. So, did you get to share "all" of the details about our weekend yet? I am sure you were probably talking to your friends the minute you got home or right after you dropped me off. "Oooh, how big is it?", "did u have an orgasm?", How many bite marks did you scar him with?-jk, lmao--you girls are hilarious. I did have a great time though, sexually, hanging- outingly. I just made up a word, lol. It was nice just hanging on the couch, cuddling, watching queer eye, though that can just be our little secret since I would never tell anybody i watched that show-lol.
I know i apologized yesterday, but i want to aplogize again that you would be somehow involved in what I have going on here and i appreciate your opinion and some of the advice you gave me as well. Did that sound right??
Unfortunately I must go do something that we call work. I look forward to hearing from you and hopefully seeing you soon. Make sure to have fun on your "date" with Dave and try not to make out with him, if you could, lmao.

p.s.--what is your address by the way??
And here was my response back to him (I did good I think):
Michael,

Reading your email made me want to cry (which, as you know, is not hard to do). I miss you and I enjoy you and we do seem to have some sort of chemistry. But...I cannot be the other woman. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to your wife, to you or your daughter.

Before, I really, really thought you were separated and getting a divorce. And maybe you are and maybe that's the road you are headed down, but until you go down that road, I don't see how this is going to work.

I said this over and over again last night, but you don't have any room in your life for me (or any other relationship) until you figure out what you want. And just saying, "I don't want to be with my wife," isn't good enough. You have to take action and make decisions and do what's right for you and your family.

And please don't think I'm telling you to get divorced. I think you need to figure out what you want. And if it's your wife you want, you need to figure out why you cheated on her (technically cheated or not). And if you don't want to stay together, then I would think you would want to take steps to stop living like you are.

And I know this isn't something that can be changed overnight, but honestly people get divorced (or work out their relationships) all the time. The fact that you can't figure it out makes me think that you don't really want to. Which again, is fine, but then that leads me back to where and how and why I'm in the picture.

And if you were single, I would consider dating you. Yes, we're 1,000 miles away, but there is just something there. But the fact is, you're not single. You might feel that you are, but until you take actual steps in that direction (moving out, legal separation, divorce), you're not. And again, I'm not telling you do to that, but you keep saying that's what you want.

I guess bottom line is that I'm here. And when you get this all figured out (and you and your wife are on the same page), and if you decide to end your marriage (for real) and take actual steps towards that, then ask me to be in your life.

I can't promise that I'll be available, but this is the only solution that I can think of that is fair to both me and Rebecca, and you and Bella.

I know you think that it's easier to hide things from your wife, but trust me, the truth is always the easiest way to go. You need to be honest with Rebecca, with me and with yourself. The fact that you haven't done that doesn't make me believe you've been 100% honest with me either. And if you don't have trust, you don't have anything.

I feel like I keep lecturing you (must be the MSW, psych and sociology degrees) and I'm sorry for that. I just can't be the other woman. I'm better than that. These last 24 hours have been so sad for me. We had such a great weekend and then it all came crashing down.

Please, please, please figure out your life. I do care about you and want you to be happy whatever your decision is.

Liz
And his email back to me:

i am very sad now too. I feel like we're breaking up or something, though we're not actually together. i wish I could see you tonight.
I understand how you feel, and i am sorry again. This is fuckin horrible.

i do want to get divorced, I have been separated from her, in my mind ,for awhile. Honestly, I think i am just scared of the unknown and what the future might hold, not seeing my daughter as often, being on my own-that type of thing and that is most likely why i haven't been as swift to act (such as actually moving out) as I should be. I have been honest with you Liz, despite what you might think, and the last thing I'd want to do is hurt you.

I know neither of us deny that we have "something" together. We both feel it--and not just sexually. I could really seem to tell by just how comfortable we were with each other, like we had known each other for a lot longer than we have. That sounds way too cliche, right?
I would like for you to be in my life currently. Is that selfish? Maybe, but you being in my life right now would mean talking on the phone occasionally, chatting like we normally do. That wouldn't necessarily have an effect on my life here. I understand if you don't but, I would hate to not know what's goin on in your life or what not.

On another note, I don't really mind the lecturing, maybe its something i need honestly. Though i have talked with my family, I haven�t spoke with someone close to me about the situation or as intensely as you have talked with me, at least. I do appreciate your concern, and advice, and agree with pretty much everything you said. I know i can't say sorry enough times, as that probably still might not mend any feelings we have. I miss you, care about you and hope to hear from you soon.

Michael

And my email back to him (and I haven�t heard from him since � but it was just this morning):

Yeah, this is not fun...

The thing is, we'll never be able to be "just friends" now (and I wouldn't want to). And Rebecca would hate you talking to me. Can you blame her? I feel badly even emailing you.

I guess I just feel like you'll be able to see things more clearly if you're able to just concentrate on your life there.

You know, on some small level I understand what you're going through. I was with Jeremy for almost 4 years and we lived together for most of them. We shopped for engagement rings and I really thought I was going to spend my life with him.

And then I found out he had signed a lease behind my back and was just using me for a place to stay until he could move out. I kicked him out that night and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

Until that point, I had never in my life spent a night alone. I had never been fully independent. I had always had roommates or boyfriends. In fact, it was so hard that I let him move back in after a week. Rent free. I let him live with me for several months. I hid it from my friends and it took them finding out I lied to them and staging an intervention for me to have the strength to be alone.

And even then, I was miserable for a few months. I hated being by myself. I was mad at everyone for a while. I shunned my friends and spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself.

And now, I'm so grateful for the experience. I'm stronger, more independent and I'm not afraid to be alone anymore. It was one of those life lessons that really sucked, but I came out the end a better person.

Of course, you have Bella to think about and divorce is a lot messier than a break-up, but I guess I just feel like if you do want to go down that road, then you have to have faith in yourself that you're strong enough. What other option is there? Staying with Rebecca and cheating on her because you're lonely and unhappy? Life is too short and you're a better person than that.

I'm also curious as to what you've told Rebecca about me? Whenever I ask you, you change the subject. Did you talk about last weekend? About her calling me?

You asked if it was selfish for you to want me in your life. Short answer, yes. Of course it is. I already feel badly enough about this situation. I can't have you hiding me from Rebecca anymore. And at the same time, I don't want to be "the other woman" anyway.

You have to make a choice - being married or being single.

And don't think this isn't hard for me. I like you. I haven't had a connection with someone like I have with you in a long time. If we keep talking and you decide to stay with Rebecca or it takes a long time for you to make a decision, it'll be much harder then.

And as you know, I want to get married and settle down and have kids. I can't imagine that even if you do get divorced you'll want that soon anyway. And we're not even close to being there, I realize. We're not anything, but I can't spend time on someone who doesn't have the same end goal as me.

And also, I'm not a big fan of being "nothing" to you. I am a good person and I know that I'll make a great girlfriend/wife to someone (seriously, non-stop sex, sports, cooking - what else could a guy want?!?) and why should I spend my energy and time on someone who defines what we have as nothing? But, since you're married, what else could I be?

This is just such a fucked up situation.

1:45 p.m. - December 12, 2007

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