singlegirl's Diaryland Diary
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Stupid Arm
Thankfully I am not pregnant. Stupidly I had sex again last night.
Really, I have no idea what is going through my head. Well, actually last night I was a). drunk; b). mad at Michael (more on that later); c). convinced I have cancer (more on that later).
He was young - 25 or 26. My best friend�s little brother�s best friend. It was horrible. I whimpered in pain several times. I�m shocked I�m not bleeding. Very rough and hard and just horrible. I kicked him out immediately after.
Either he was a virgin or his last girlfriend had no nerve endings. Anywhere on her body.
So Michael is the married man from Texas. I know, but he really is getting a divorce. Really and truly. Jennifer�s parents are friends with his parents and they were like, �Did you hear about Michael�s divorce?� And they obviously do not know we are talking.
I just�really like him. A lot. We talk on the phone for hours. He�s coming the first weekend of December to see me. He�s smart and funny and sexy and we have a lot in common.
I should probably walk away though. If he comes here and we have an amazing time, I�m going to fall in love. We have over a month to just talk and get to know each other. Add 48 uninterrupted hours of face time and it�ll all be over.
How would we do this? He has a daughter so he�s going to want to stay near her (I�m assuming). My whole life is here. I would probably be miserable in Dallas. Can you really get to know someone long distance? I wouldn�t move until I had a ring and a set wedding date.
Also, he�s been married and a father since he was 23. I asked him if he wanted some time to date people and have fun being single as an adult. He said he didn�t know because he really likes me. What if he regrets not having the fun single life?
I just don�t want to get invested and then have it not work out. I�m too old for that and I am looking for my life partner. As much as I like Michael, he might have too many strikes against him already. Here�s his photo. Sexy dork.
I had given up on Randy, but then out of the blue he emailed me and was super nice. I emailed him back, invited him to hang out this weekend (lots of plans), but didn�t hear back. He probably won�t, but he still wants to tailgate for the Pats game next weekend.
I like him so much too.
Seriously, one guy is not interested in dating me but is sending me mixed signals and the other guy lives far, far away and is married.
Perhaps I should go back to start and try again!
Okay, so now my health problem.
A week ago I woke up with a sore left arm. I assumed I slept on it wrong but it never got better. The next day my thumb didn�t work. I couldn�t push down or bend it. The next day my pointer finger wouldn�t work either. And my arm was so sore. And my armpit felt like I was getting stabbed.
Went to the general doctor and he said exactly where I was sore and the fact that 2 of my fingers didn�t work meant that it was a specific nerve problem. He gave me steroids (more on those later) and told me to call him in a few days if it didn�t get better.
It got worse again. I was unable to even sleep and in the morning I was in so much pain I was nauseous.
A few days ago I went to a neurologist and he did some basic tests (squeezed his hand, etc) and I definitely have a damaged nerve. I am currently undergoing tests to see why. Typically this type of damage occurs after a trauma like a car accident but nothing has happened to me. The other option is a tumor. A third option (hopefully) is my rapid weight loss and frantic working out.
I have had 8 vials of blood taken and I spent 2 hours in a closed MRI machine. Girl with a panic attack in a MRI machine for TWO hours. It was horrible. My head was in a cage, my body was squeezed in (thank God for the weight loss!). I was cold and it was so loud. Like jackhammers. It was like a loud coffin. I did okay though.
They took me out after an hour to shoot contrast in my arm (twice my veins burst and contrast leaked into my arm � do you know how badly that burns?!?) and shoved me back in. One of the worst experiences of my life.
Today I am going to go have needles put into my muscles and they are going to shock me to test my nerve. Sounds fun, right?!?
I�m in constant pain and I have limited movement of my left hand. It�s been a really, long, crappy week. And my parent�s are out of town so I�ve been doing all this on my own. I really want my mom. She gets back on Saturday though. She�s coming with me to hear the results on Tuesday.
Oh and it could also be MS or ALS so please think good thoughts for me.
So right now I�m on a (hopefully non-lethal) combination of steroids, tranquilizers, vicodin and Tylenol PM just to function (well, the Tylenol is only at night).
So yeah, steroids. Do you know how much weight I�ve gained? At least 10 pounds. I�m on them for 3 more days and then I�m off no matter what. I don�t care if they have to amputate my arm. I�ve worked too hard to gain all my weight back.
I�m just so hungry all the time (so hungry � my friend�s mom gained 40 pounds in one month of being on steroids!)! I am giving myself the week. To eat whatever I want and not work out (I�m not allowed). Starting Monday I�m doing my usual routine. I don�t care. I�m already in pain so what the hell?
Alcohol last night (while probably not smart considering my medicine I�m on) was so nice. Being drunk made me feel almost normal. I wasn�t laying uncomfortably on the couch in my now too-tight jeans, eating everything in sight and thinking about how I probably have cancer.
So that�s been my week. Crazy! And not really fun�blah.
12:48 p.m. - October 26, 2007
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