singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Engagement Rings All Around My other best friend got engaged on Christmas! My 2 closest friends both got engaged this month! Of course I am so happy for them both. I love them and it�s what they�ve been waiting for their whole lives. But what about me? It just sucks!!!! Of course I would never let anyone know that I feel this way (the 2 people I would usually share it with are the ones who are getting married). God, this year just really, really sucked. 3 deaths, 1 massive break-up and panic/anxiety attacks. Sounds like an awesome year, huh? Sometimes I just get sick of all the good in everyone else�s lives while mine hasn�t been good for a very, very long time. Not that I don�t want other people to have good things happen to them, but I want them too. I always feel like an outsider looking in. I guess I just don�t understand why things don�t work out for me. I�m a great person. I�m nice to everyone; I don�t break laws or hurt people or animals. I pay my taxes, contribute to society...I just don�t get it. Maybe it�s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe it was just a bad year. Hopefully next year will be better. I hate that other people�s fortunes make me feel less fortunate. That�s not very nice. Maybe I should go back on my anti-depressants? I lost 2 more pounds � I�m not expecting to lose anything this week. My goal is to maintain. I�ve been working out like a fiend though � 5 times this week (well it will be after tomorrow). I also noticed that I don�t have a double chin in my photos. That happened the last time I lost weight too � it only took about 15 pounds to get rid of the double chin. Now I like pictures of me a lot better and that makes me happy � not engaged to my boyfriend happy, but you know � I guess I�ll take what I can get. I ended up not going out Saturday night because I couldn�t find anything to wear. Plus I was so grumpy and didn�t really want to be around people (I really think I�m starting to get depressed again � when staying home by yourself always seems like a much better option than going out with your friends, you know you have a problem). Anyway, I called my friend and told her I wasn�t going out because I couldn�t find anything to wear (true and it�s because my clothes are getting too big � I can pull my jeans down without unbuttoning them � ass baggy jeans are not cool). She responded with (and I�m not kidding), �Oh sweetie, don�t worry! You�re losing weight and soon your clothes will be loose enough to fit you again. I totally know how you feel though (she�s a size 2). I can totally tell I�m gaining weight because my boobs are so huge! I put on a tube top (okay, she�s 30, it�s in the middle of winter and we live in Indiana � why is she wearing a tube top?) and I just spilled right out of it! Luckily I�m not gaining weight anywhere else though. I totally know how you feel!!� Um, first off, I hate that she just assumed that my clothes were too tight. I know I�m fat, but occasionally fat people�s clothes can get too loose. And also, don�t ever compare yourself to me. Ugh! After that conversation, I was so glad I didn�t go out Saturday. I just wouldn�t have been able to bullshit and smile my way through the night. And I don�t want to be the sullen sad girl at parties. I would rather stay home. So yeah, that�s about it. I had a nice Christmas and I hope everyone else did. I had lots of time with Hannah (my perfect niece). I held her at Christmas Eve dinner and got to hold her while I opened my presents Christmas morning. I love her so much. She was definitely the highlight of Christmas this year. I hope that when (if) I have children, everyone in my family will love them as much as they love Hannah. Since she�s the first, she�s probably going to be the most special. And because Incog requested that I update more, this entry was just for her! 2:22 p.m. - December 27, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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