singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kill Me Now Have you ever had those weeks where you just kind of want to kill yourself? This is one of them. Last Saturday night I got extremely drunk. I actually didn�t drink that much (5 beers), but I didn�t eat and I took one of my anti-anxiety pills and washed it down with my first beer (I felt panicky). It wasn�t a sloppy, fall down drunk, it was more of a I can�t stop crying and making a fool out of myself drunk. My ex-boyfriend (not Jeremy, but Ben) was there (it was the first time I�ve seen him since Jeremy and I broke up). I�m at the stage in the break-up where I want to feel desired by another man. I want someone else to want to kiss me (even if it ultimately means nothing). So, what did I do in my drunken stupor? I said to Ben, �You know, if we fucked right now it would be totally different than it was when we were dating.� To which my alcoholic, makeup wearing, possibly bi-sexual ex boyfriend said, �That will NEVER happen.� And that�s when the tears started and wouldn�t stop. So, not only did I get rejected by Ben (who I would never really want to fuck anyway � I just wanted him to want me), but then I cried about it in front of him. And I cried for about 3 hours over everything. I accused my friends of only being friends with me because I�m the token fat girl, I cried because I thought (think) nobody will ever love me again. I cried because my life isn�t how I want it to be now and then I went to the bathroom, called Jeremy and cried on the phone to him. All I said over and over again was, �I love you.� That was between hysterical fits of crying. Needless to say he came down the next day and we spent it together. He left at 7 am and brought me breakfast in bed, took me to a movie, bought me food (I am broke right now) and had incredible sex. I don�t know what I want to do about that. He really wants to get back together and work on our relationship and �prove to me� that he can be the man I want him to be. I don�t know... Anyway, my other hugely embarrassing moment is that I asked out our auditor today. He�s audited us for 3 years, is my age and has seemed interested in the past. The other times he was here, I was with Jeremy, but always thought he was nice and cute. At the encouragement of my friends and co-workers, I got the nerve to ask him out (I�ve never asked a guy out before). He said no. �But thanks, though.� I hope I�m either a). thin and gorgeous or b). with another person by this time next summer. How many embarrassing moments can one girl handle in a week? Lessons learned: a). I should never ask out another guy again because I�m apparently hideous and have no redeeming qualities; b). maybe I should just get back with Jeremy. Jeremy is looking better and better with every embarrassing, heartbreaking moment. At least he loves me and thinks I�m gorgeous. Do you know how embarrassing it is to tell 15 different people that you got rejected? It�s not fun. 5:47 p.m. - July 12, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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