singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm a Bitch I�ve been spending time with my neighbor, Scott, lately. It�s nothing romantic � he�s a nice person and we�re both single and home at night. Scott and I started talking about Jeremy and Scott told me some disturbing information. Jeremy used to complain about me all the time. He would call me a bitch and tell Scott that I wouldn�t let him do things. Scott said that for the longest time, he thought I was mean because of everything Jeremy said about me. In my drunken outrage, I called Jeremy and confronted him. All he said, over and over again (in a whiny, weak voice, which I cannot stand) was, �I�m sorry.� And then he tried to use the excuse (which he has used for everything else he did), �I just didn�t like my job at the time.� So? What does that have to do with you telling people (and not just Scott, my guy friends too!) that I�m a bitch?!? This morning I woke up, the alcohol had worn off, and I�m not mad anymore. I�m just indifferent. Maybe a little sad. But I can�t place all the blame on him. I was a very needy, low self-esteem girlfriend. As much as Jeremy fucked up, my self-esteem and jealousy issues definitely had a play in things. I�m not making excuses for him. I�m just recognizing that I need to change some things in myself as well to make me a better person. And even if I was as horrible as Jeremy made me out to be (which I wasn�t), why didn�t he just say something? He never acted mad or upset at me � he acted like he wanted to spend time with me. How could he go from calling me a bitch to his (MY) friends and then 5 minutes later asking me to leave so we can spend time together? Is he a sociopath? I asked him that last night and then I kind of scared myself because I was thinking that maybe he would drive down here to do something. He didn�t � just my wild imagination. So, yeah...I hate it because all my guy friends kind of believe that I was that mean and controlling. Maybe a little controlling because of my self-esteem issues, but I was never mean to Jeremy. I loved him and gave him everything I had. I wasn�t perfect, but I didn�t lie, cheat and steal from him and then bad mouth him on the side. Moving on � and I mean it this time. I�m moving on. There is only so much I can forgive and pretend like it doesn�t bother me, but I can�t do it anymore. He wants to call me a bitch? Then maybe I should start acting like one. *** I saw the ultrasound of my niece! It�s amazing. I can�t wait to see the 3D video version! [edit] The ultrasound photos are in Flickr - go look! They are so detailed! It looks like she�s trying to suck her thumb in one of the photos. I just can�t believe how much she looks like a person already � Jen�s not due until the end of October! *** My friends are trying to convince me to go to the Indy 500 on Sunday. I really just don�t want to. I�ve seriously been to 20 of them and it�s fun, but it�s an exhausting day. You have to leave your house by 8 am (the race doesn�t start until 1) and drive with the hundreds of thousands of other people to the race. Then you park mile(s) away (the further away you park, the easier it is to leave) and carry everything to the racetrack (coolers, food, etc.). By that point it�s about 11 am and you start drinking. It�s going to be 90 degrees and my friends are sitting in the infield (no seats just lawn � it�s in the middle of the track � those seats are only $20). You drink and �watch� the race until about 3 or 4 pm. Then you walk back to your car (along with hundreds of thousands of people) and attempt to go home. You finally get home around 7 or 8 (traffic is that bad) and you are so tired/hungover/sweaty and you have to pee SO bad because you held it for the 3 hour car ride home (yes, the track is in the same city I live in � it�s just that crowded). It�s fun, don�t get me wrong, but I�m just not in the mood for it. You have to be really want to go to have fun. Going to the pool, relaxing and doing nothing sounds much better to me! 10:01 a.m. - May 26, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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