singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thoughts - Too Many Thoughts Jeremy and I had a great time. A wonderful time. We had sex three times in less than 24 hours. We watched movies, drank a few beers, talked and had so much fun. We just click. He gets me and I get him. Does that erase the past? No. Are we back together? No. Will we ever get back together? Probably not. I have all these jumbled thoughts in my head...let me just get them out there. Jeremy kept commenting on how different I was. Everyone tells me I am different. It�s the anti-depressants. Apparently I needed them all along! I am much happier and more hopeful about the future. I rarely lose my temper and I have patience. I�m not so negative and I�m just...happy. Jeremy even told me last night that it was amazing to see me so happy. That I looked so beautiful all weekend because I was glowing (although it could have been the amazing sex we had too � the anti-depressants are upping my sex drive). Part of me wonders if my negativity and unhappiness drove him away? You all read my older entries...I was often negative and felt unhappy about life. That would wear a person down. On the other hand, that does not excuse Jeremy for what he did. I do not believe that he cheated on me. I really don�t. But what he did do was underhanded and weak and I don�t trust him anymore. And part of me is slightly resentful that he kept commenting on how happy I am. To me it seems like he thinks everything is going to be fine now that I�m on anti-depressants. I can accept part of the blame for our deteriorating relationship (it does take two), but he needs to accept his part of the blame (and he hasn�t said that he�s not to blame � if anything he takes all the blame � but after his comments, I wanted to say, �Just because I�m happier now and probably easier to be around doesn�t mean that it excuses you for the way you acted!�). Seriously though, everyone is commenting on how happy and nice I am. I must have been horrible before!! And part of me feels that if Jeremy and I are so happy with each other, then shouldn�t we be together? If you find that one person who you love so much, then shouldn�t you do everything you can to make it work? But then another part of me feels like maybe it�s just the happy pills talking and that everything looks rosier because of them. And also, I kind of feel like I kind of already did everything I could to make it work. The only difference now would be the anti-depressants � that�s not enough to make a relationship work. He wants to come down again this weekend. I don�t know. I just don�t know. I�m just so happy that he moved 2 hours away. Not having him here makes things so much easier. And I kind of (this is shocking) like my new independence. Okay, I don�t like everything about it (it IS lonely), but there are things that I do like about it. So many thoughts swirling through my brain. I just kind of want to live, do what makes me happy and stop thinking and overanalyzing everything, you know? In other news...I�m wearing a new, black peasant full-length skirt, black flip flops and a turquoise short-sleeved shirt today. It�s sunny and going to be 70 degrees. I love spring! 8:35 a.m. - April 10, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||