singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Don't Know What I'm Doing Life is so confusing. Jeremy is leaving on Saturday. I don�t want him to leave. I love him. Part of me feels that I should forgive him and continue our relationship. If you love someone you should fight for them, right? Another part of me thinks that I�m being irrational and that since he lied to me, signed a lease behind my back and was going to leave me, I should move on. Why should I work so hard at a relationship with someone who didn�t show me the same respect? Sometimes I wish Jeremy would have made a grand gesture. He just gave up so easily. Would things have been different if he showed up at my door with roses and a ring? He didn�t fight for me. He just gave up. Why should I fight for him when he�s the one whose actions ended our relationship? He still wants to be with me and wants us to have a life together. It�s hard for me to turn my back on that when for the past 2.5 years, that�s all I wanted too. I am going to let him leave. It might kill me, but I need to do this. I need to let him see what his life is like without me in it. Maybe if I cut ties for awhile, he�ll see what he had in me. We also both need to grow. I need to spend time figuring out my life. I need to lose weight and learn to be independent. He needs to grow up and stop lying to those he loves. It�s just going to be so hard. It seems so irrational to say goodbye to someone you love so much. To willfully and purposefully remove them from your life. Life is short. Should I deny myself this happiness? It�s. Just. So. Confusing. And also, if I hear one more time that a woman�s eggs start to deteriorate around the age of 28, I�m going to scream. And also, if one of my co-workers (who�s 36) says to me one more time, �She�s around our age,� I�m going to hit her � she�s 8 years older than me. We are NOT the same age. I wish I could stop time. I wish I could stay 28 until I get my life figured out. I feel like time is running out. I walk around all day with a panicky feeling. I feel like everyone else got some sort of instruction book to life. A book filled with shortcuts and secrets. I want that book. Without it, I�m going to be stuck on Level One forever. 10:11 a.m. - March 30, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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