singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My Second Step Go back one for my first entry of the day...this is an email I wrote to my friends. "Lara inspired me this morning (by being so open and forthright) and I wanted to talk to you guys about something that has been going on in my life. Let me preface it by saying that I planned on talking about it, but I was going to do it face-to-face. However, I would rather get this out now instead of waiting (plus I don�t know when I am going to see everyone � especially in a setting where it�s appropriate to have a serious conversation). I know that most of you are probably tired or at least exasperated (on some level) by me. I also feel like recently I�ve used up too much of my �friendship quota� and am quite frankly tired of myself and my issues (not that I want anyone else�s life to suck right now, but I just feel like it�s been all about me for awhile and it needs to stop � but not until after this email, apparently). I just hope everyone knows that me not being around lately has nothing to do with how I feel about any of you. It has to do with 2 things- 1). my anxiety; and 2). depression. You all know about my anxiety, however sometimes I get the feeling that some of you think I use it as an excuse or crutch. I don�t. And even though I don�t want anyone else to go through what I am, for one day I wish you could all experience what I feel. I would give anything not to have it � and sometime I fear that it�s getting the best of me. Many people with anxiety become agoraphobic (that�s when you never leave your house). I can understand why...I definitely have my comfort zones now and it�s very hard for me to do thing outside of them. As ridiculous as it sounds, in some ways Jeremy is my security blanket (when it comes to anxiety). When we were still dating, he did everything he could to make me feel better (not that you guys didn�t, but he was always with me). He DID make me feel better. In my head I know that if I have a panic attack (or anxiety) I�ll be okay, but when I�m going through it, it�s hard to remember that. But since Jeremy always made me feel better (and was always with me), I know that if he�s around, I�ll be okay. Somehow during the past few months I directly associated him with my own well-being. I went out on Saturday night and it was really hard for me. I was feeling all sorts of anxiety and for a moment I thought about Jeremy coming with me (not really, but just to see what would happen) and the anxiety went away. It�s not healthy (or even rational) to have a person as a security blanket and I need to work on that, but unfortunately for now, he is. But, I DID go out on Saturday (he obviously didn�t come) and I was fine. A good first step. Beer helps relax me (many people with anxiety also become alcoholics and drug addicts � I understand why). But also along with the anxiety is depression (anxiety is actually a form of depression � it�s the same thing, just expressed in a different way). Now, I haven�t been to the doctor and been diagnosed, but I am depressed (I diagnosed myself). Here are the signs of depression: � Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood Honestly, most of these apply to me (not the suicide one though). It�s not that I don�t want to see any of you...I just can�t. Between my anxiety and everything above, it�s all I can do to get through the day. I can sound fine over email or on the phone, but the truth is, I�m not okay. And it�s not just you guys � I haven�t seen anyone in my family either (since even before Louisville). I know I need some sort of help (or maybe time will cure all), but it�s hard...sometimes I wish I had something physically wrong with me (pneumonia or something that is tangible) � it�s really hard to understand something that you can�t see or even relate to. I guess bottom line is that I am getting the feeling that some of you are getting tired of me and my mental issues. I know that being my friend right now is hard. But please know that I am trying. I don�t know what my future holds. I am seeing a behavioral therapist this Friday and will talk to him/her about it...I guess I�m asking all of you not to give up on me or our friendship. Again, I just feel like people are getting exasperated or are taking it personally and please know that it�s 100% me and 0% you. I know what I need to do. I need to learn to be independent and I need to workout and concentrate on making that aspect of my life better...it�s just hard. Taking those first steps seems impossible (which is part of the anxiety and depression). So basically I guess I�m asking all of you for your help. I don�t need anything at this point but understanding and patience. Please know that I am trying. It�s not fun being sad and staying home all the time. I don�t do it because I want to, I do it because at that point in time, it�s all I can do. It�s probably going to take time, a little therapy (maybe prescription drugs) and my friends and family to help me through this. I guess this is my first official step. Opening up and talking about it. If anyone is mad (about this particular email or about something that has happened over the past few weeks) or wants to talk about this in more detail, please call me or email me. I just hope you all can somewhat understand. It�s hard to understand something you cannot see or haven�t experienced." 11:42 a.m. - March 20, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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