singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One Step Forward (hopefully not 2 back) I made progress this weekend. I almost went out Friday night. I was in a wonderful mood all day Friday � I even went out and bought a shirt for that night. It�s a pretty shirt � black, sort of hippy, but definitely a bar shirt (i.e. there is some cleavage, but it�s not over-the-top). I also bought a wooden green bracelet so I would have something to match my gorgeous green earrings that I bought here: http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5006 I asked Jeremy to drive me that night. He wasn�t doing anything so he agreed to drop me off and pick me up. The meeting time was 6:30, but I didn�t want to be the first one there (I haven�t walking into a bar alone ever � seriously I�m SO not independent, it�s hard being single). I waited for someone to call me to let me know that they were there. Jeremy even took me to the bar area (it�s called Bro@d Ripple � it�s a strip of bars) so I would be close when they called. Finally at 7:30 my friends called � they were there. But by that time, the wind had gone out of my sails. And also, my friends that were there told me that it was extremely crowded (which isn�t surprising since they were meeting a). at a sports bar in Indiana when it�s March madness; b). during Friday happy hour; c). in Bro@d Ripple; and d). on Patty�s Day). It�s hard for me to be in extremely crowded situations now because of my anxiety. I think if everyone would have been on time and I wouldn�t have had an hour to fret over it and just sit and wait, I would have gone. But, it was progress. I was happy that day, bought a new shirt, got ready and even drove to the bar (got a ride, whatever). A good first step. I didn�t want to go home at that point though, but I knew I couldn�t handle the crowds of Bro@d Ripple. Jeremy and I ended up stopping at a more random watering hole (that wasn�t crowded) for a few beers. We watched one basketball game and went home. It was nice being out of the house (and drinking draft beers), but I was sad that I didn�t get to see my friends. Of course I can�t tell them that I went out with Jeremy instead � they would see it was me choosing him over them, which isn�t true. Sometimes I just wish that for a day they could all experience anxiety so they would know what it feels like. It�s an invisible disease so they don�t understand. I look and act fine (except for when I have a panic attack), so I should be able to go out...it�s just hard because I feel like when I talk about it, my friends exchange looks of �bullshit.� Oh well. Maybe one day they�ll understand... I got my hair cut on Saturday morning � nothing too exciting, just trimmed and thinned out. I also went grocery shopping and watched some Sopranos. I DID go out Saturday night though. I went with some friends to (ironically) the same bar that Jeremy and I went to the night before. The whole time I kept thinking that the bartender would recognize me and say, �Hey, back again� or something like that. Luckily that didn�t happen. I hate lying, by the way. Hate it. I feel sneaky. It was a little sad being there � just because the couples seemed so much more couple-y and in love and it made me miss what I had with Jeremy. I started thinking about all the good he did. Several times he helped my mom take my grandma and grandpa back to the nursing home (he visited them with me too), he helped me at my work during the dreaded yard sales (sometimes working with me for up to 10 hours in one weekend), he was my rock when my panic attacks first started (in some ways he�s like my security blanket in that area � I know I�ll be okay if he�s there because he�ll take care of me � when I�m by myself, I don�t have that security). But, at the same time I don�t feel the same way about him anymore. Or maybe I�m just out of practice. We rarely kiss (which is appropriate), but it feels weird when we do. I don�t want to get back together with him, but seeing all the couples together this weekend made me look back a little more fondly (and sadly) on our relationship. He really did some very nice things over the years and I will always be grateful to him for that. He also did some really shitty things and I will always remember that as well. Jeremy�s not in a good place right now. He has $300 left and no job. He�s applying to several places today (things not in his field, but more part-time jobs) and hopefully he�ll get something soon. Financially I can�t help him out (I wouldn�t anyway if I could � it�s not my place). He�s freaking out (rightfully so) and I don�t know what he�s going to do. He can stay with me as long as he can pay his own bills/food that sort of thing. Once he hits that point, he�s going to have to figure something else out. I feel for him... I just hope that my friends don�t lose patience with me. I feel like they�re getting tired of me and my excuses...I just wish that I could talk to them, but depression is also an invisible disease and I don�t think they would understand. When I told them I wasn�t going out on Friday, they just said, �Okay, whatever. See you later.� Not that I expect them to beg me to go out, but they just seemed indifferent. I can�t blame them though...I just wish everyone would understand. They don�t understand the anxiety or why I would let Jeremy stay with me (everything to them is black/white). I don�t expect them to understand depression and how it�s affecting me. I apparently have very judgmental friends...I don�t know. They keep saying they understand, but I get the feeling that they don�t. Anyway...I would say that things can only get better, but then I�ll probably jinx myself. And lastly, why the fuck are we supposed to get up to 10 inches of snow tomorrow? Today is the first day of spring and we�ve had great weather so far. But, maybe work will be canceled � we usually have one snow day a year. I actually don�t mind the snow...not when I know that in 2 months the pool will be open. Just the thought makes me excited!! 10:54 a.m. - March 20, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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