singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm Dying Inside I don�t know what to do... I guess I feel like I need help, but I don�t know how to ask. I don�t know if I�m really depressed or if I�m just going through a sad phase. When do you know when it�s serious? I�m not suicidal. I don�t even have thoughts of it. I just...am sad. I don�t enjoy life anymore. I don�t do anything. The thought of seeing anyone makes me want to cry. I lie to everyone � my family, friends, co-workers. It�s just easier. All my friends are meeting tomorrow night for St. Patty�s Day. I just can�t do it. The thought of being happy and normal around everyone, when all I want to do is go home and get into bed, is awful. Every time someone is nice to me, my eyes well up with tears. I don�t know what to do... I haven�t done anything this past month. Nothing. Not worked out. Not seen a single friend. Not seen anyone in my family. Nothing. I sound normal though. My emails are chipper and funny. I can talk on the phone and sound happy. Lies spill out naturally. I know what I need to do. I need to get off my ass, lose weight, spend time working on myself and become more independent. What am I doing instead? Smoking, yes sometimes I have a few...I still haven�t bought a pack yet. Watching TV. Taking sleeping pills. Avoiding the phone. Feeling sorry for myself. Reading. So far I have wasted an entire month of my life. One month is gone. I don�t want to waste anymore, but I don�t know how to move forward. I just can�t. I can�t do it. Is this what depression is? I hate my life. I hate Jeremy. I hate my friends. I hate my family. I hate everyone who is happy and has a good life. I hate all this hatred inside of me. Will it go away or will it change me forever? Will I always be bitter and hard? Will I always look at the glass as half-empty? Will I always be sad? Why? Why couldn�t I just be someone else? 2:22 p.m. - March 16, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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