singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fuck It I think I might be depressed. I haven�t seen my friends since our trip to Louisville � about 4 weeks ago. I haven�t been out in 4 weeks. I fall asleep every night before 10 (sometimes before 9), and I am happy doing that. The thought of going out and talking to people is exhausting. And now it�s been so long it�s going to be awkward. I emailed one of my friends this morning and asked what the general consensus of me is and who specifically is mad at me. I just don�t have the energy to fight with someone or try to defend myself. If someone is hurt or mad, I just won�t talk to them. I just don�t care anymore (not that I don�t care about my friends, but I just don�t have the energy to deal with it right now). I am running out of excuses though. Thank God I had to work for 9 hours on Saturday � that got me out of going out Friday night and Saturday night. Honestly the thought of going anywhere social makes me want to cry. I am tired of lying though. I�m not usually a liar. My mom and dad think Jeremy�s out of my life and that my life is one big whirlwind of parties. My friends know that Jeremy is in my life, but think that I�ve just been too busy/tired/sick to go out. They probably know the truth though. I need to let Jeremy go. It�s hard though. How do you say a final goodbye? I feel like he could go at any minute and I should spend the time that I can with him because soon, he�s going to be gone forever. But on the other hand, I should hate him. He admitted to me yesterday that he wasn�t working on the basketball player the week we broke up. He was working on his friend Angie. It makes me sick to think that he lied to me about what he was doing, (after I worked so hard to make him happy), went to Angie�s house, rubbed her naked body, drank wine with her afterwards and then came home to me and lied to me about his evening. And after we broke up, I questioned him again about that specific evening and he was so tearful and heartfelt when he told me that he was working on the basketball player and that would never lie to me again. This was AFTER we broke up. When it didn�t matter anymore. He lied so he could have a place to stay. When he admitted it to me yesterday, I was mad (not jealous because it doesn�t matter anymore), but also relieved. It just cemented the reason why I will never date him again. He�s not good enough for me. He�s a pathological liar and he�s a user. I know I should kick him out, but the thought is terrifying. Why am I such a wimp? I thought that maybe if he was gone, I would make more of an effort to be social, but I�m not sure that�s the case. I haven�t really been single since I was 22. I don�t know how. I don�t want to get ready by myself, drive by myself, walk into a party by myself and leave by myself. It�s that whole process that makes it easier just to stay home. Small talk is meaningless now. I would be miserable sitting there watching all my friends laughing, living life, knowing that they have that special someone. Sure, once I do it a few times it�ll get easier, but I don�t want to do it at all. I just want to disappear. I don�t want to be independent. I want to be married, living in a house and I want to be pregnant. I don�t want to settle though. I want a wonderful husband. I want the life that I always thought I would have. I never thought I would be alone and miserable in my late 20�s. My entire life is slipping away. In the blink of an eye, I�m going to be 40 and alone and miserable. It�s just not worth it. 9:21 a.m. - March 13, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||