singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bloated Jeremy is still here. I like having him around. Things have changed between us though. More on my part than his. We don�t kiss very often and I�m more distant. He keeps reaching out to me and hoping that we�ll get back together. We won�t. Sometimes I think about what he did � how he lied to me and betrayed me. I don�t hate him though. I feel sorry for him. I really was the best thing that ever happened to him. When we first started dating, he was a drug dealer who was struggling to finish school. He stopped selling, is rarely using (I�m talking about pot here) and graduated. His whole image changed. He went from wearing jeans, sneakers and t-shirts (all very 80�s looking) to wearing nice, fashionable clothes. He has a whole new wardrobe and his grammar is completely normal now (no double negatives!). At heart he was a good person, but wanted to change. He went from small town to �big� town (hilarious that I�m referring to Indianapolis as a big town, but compared to some of the rural areas out here, it�s huge) and had someone helping him and supporting him the entire way. It wasn�t completely unselfish. I was molding Jeremy into who I wanted him and needed him to be as well. We had an instant chemistry and connection. I loved him for who he was, but he needed some polishing. Sometimes I think back to everything I gave him and how much I supported (emotionally, financially, etc) him and I get angry. I get angry that he didn�t support me too and that he took and took and took and then threw it all away. But then I think that maybe it�s for the best. Things happen for a reason and I�m not sure if I would have been satisfied with Jeremy in the end. I don�t want the next person I date to be a project. I want to love him the way he is. I want him to support me as much as I support him. Jeremy has an interview in his hometown today (2 hours away). In some respects I hope that he gets it � he needs a job. In other ways, I don�t want him that far away. But I know that to heal, I need some space. Plus, I don�t know how I�m going to stand living alone. I hated it the 2 days I tried it. I�ll get used to it I suppose, but it just seems so awful to me. My life would be much easier if I had someone to live with. *** Louisville was kind of fun. We went gambling and I won. I left for the trip with $200, and after gambling, eating dinner, paying for covers and buying drinks, I came home with $199. I only spent $1 overall. I could become addicted to gambling... I didn�t feel very well though. I only drank 1 beer once we got to 4th Street L!ve. I�m still not feeling very well. Let�s just say that I haven�t been able to go #2 in several days. I feel like I�m 6 months pregnant. I�ve taken 1.5 doses of ex-lax in the past 24 hours and it�s still not working. Something is going to explode soon (hopefully). I hope it�s not at work... *** Someone asked me if I was pregnant � just because I feel weird and I�m constipated. Wouldn�t that be the kicker? And so my luck. I highly doubt that I am though � I�m on birth control (even though I did forget 3 days in a row last week!) and it�s just not going to happen. *** Kind of a busy week � I have dinner and drinks with the girls on Wednesday and our sex toy party on Friday. It looks like I�m going to need lots of vibrators in the future...fun, but not as much fun as sex. I�m going to miss that. I�ve been getting regular booty for 6 years now. Ugh! 3:00 p.m. - February 21, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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