singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stupid Girl I�ve been avoiding you all for a few days now. I�ve been living a lie. My friends and family would kill me if they found out. You all might kill me, but at least you can only yell at me online. I�m seeing Jeremy again. I know. I KNOW. He doesn�t deserve me, he�s probably just using me and I�m an idiot. We�re not back together again. We�re not even dating. He wants to, I don�t. I want to be able to ask him to leave MY apartment and make MY own plans whenever I want. He was pathetic. Crying, begging me to be with him again. I invested 2.5 years of my life into him. It�s hard just to throw that away. I KNOW what he did to me. We have had many talks about it. I don�t want to talk about it anymore. He�s only spent 2 nights with me since we broke up. That�s not too bad. But then, the buddy he was spending some time with asked him to find somewhere else to stay for the weekend. I offered for him to stay with me until Monday morning. It�s convenient for me too � he�s there to watch Clyde while I�m in Louisville with my friends Saturday night. We�ve also been having the best sex ever. We are also talking more and not taking what we have for granted. He is desperately searching for jobs and even applied for a job on a cruise ship. For me to ever consider dating him again, I need him to be 100% financially independent. He also needs to grow up and take care of himself for awhile. He agreed and we both realize that this is just a temporary situation. My friends all think I�m so strong and doing so well since I�m not that sad anymore. It�s because I still talk to and see Jeremy almost every day. I can�t tell them why. Everybody hates him. I should hate him. I just can�t. He�s Jeremy. Part of me thinks that he�s probably just using me until he finds a job, but then I�m not sure if I really believe that either. Every time he�s come over, it�s because I�ve invited him. Also, he is responsible for paying his own way and for his own food. It�s more like a roommate situation except he�s not really living there. This morning after I offered him a place to stay until Monday he asked me what that meant for us. I said that it changed nothing. We were essentially friends with benefits (secret friends, though). He looked a little sad, but he accepted that. It�s nice not going home to an empty apartment. It�s nice having someone to spend time with. It�s nice to talk to Jeremy again. It�s nice not to hate him. I know I�m stupid, but really, I�m using him in a way. I�m using him for his company, for taking care of Clyde and for sex. Or maybe I�m just fooling myself. We�ll see what happens. I still believe I deserve better. As long as I keep feeling that, then I�ll be okay. 2:14 p.m. - February 16, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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