singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Closure What a crappy weekend. Friday wasn�t actually too bad. I went to dinner with a friend and then we went to a house party with all my friends. It was strange being at a social event without Jeremy, but it was okay. It�s going to be hard being single. I�m not very good at it. Saturday, my friend came over, we packed up Jeremy�s things, he came and got them and then my friend and I watched a movie. Saturday night, the girls got together to watch a move (My Date with Drew � very cute), eat dinner and have some girl time. It was an awful night. I seem to have one good day, then a horrible one, a good day, then a horrible one. I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack, so I used my inhaler and took an anti-anxiety pill. I also drank wine and was in a horrid mood. I barely talked or participated in anything. I just wanted to curl up in a fetal position and cry. Yesterday was pretty awful too. I cleaned out my kitchen, laundry room and one of my closets. It took me several hours and it was nice to have some things organized again. The whole day was lonely. I don�t like being alone. I�ve never lived alone and it�s not much fun. Sitting around in silence (except for the TV) was depressing. It was a sad day and I spent most of it feeling very sorry for myself. Last night wasn�t too bad. I took 2 anti-anxiety pills and fell asleep before 10. I slept with my light on and woke up a few times, but I wasn�t scared. Just lonely, sad and bored. Before Jeremy came on Saturday to pick up his stuff, he called to arrange a time. We talked for a bit and I found out that he lost his job. He was going to move back to his hometown (2 hours away), but after this weekend, he couldn�t stand being there (I talked to him this morning � he had my radio at his work and had to bring it to me). This morning was so hard. I was dreading it � it was hard thinking that I had to see him one last time and that it would be my last time. When he got here, he was crying hysterically, which made me cry too. We went back to my apartment to talk � I needed some closure. We were there for about an hour and it was cathartic, hard and sad all at the same time. I think if I agreed, he would want to be together again. He kept saying, �I miss you so much. I ruined the best thing that happened to me and my heart is broken.� We talked a lot, cried a lot and then we hugged, kissed and he brought me back to work. He also cleaned out my fireplace and took the trash out for me � it was very nice and I don�t hate him anymore (not because of that, but because how can I hate the person who was my best friend for so long?). I have to be very careful because at this point, my life would be so much easier, happier and better if I took him back. However, in the long run, it�s better that we�re apart. I need to be strong, but it was good to see that he is as miserable (if not more) as I am. Life really sucks. 10:47 a.m. - February 13, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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