singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Update I have a few updates (go see my previous entry for the back story). I figured out who the number belonged to. It�s his friend Angie (the one who hung out with us until she took her top off at a party). Honestly, I WAS jealous of her at first because when Jeremy started talking to her, he would hide it. When I finally met her, I was feeling so insecure about myself (seriously, he would talk to her in secret and delete her text messages). However, when we met, it was fine. Until she took her top off. My girlfriends didn�t appreciate it and Jeremy was embarrassed. He told her that he did not want her around for awhile. It was his decision and I honestly had nothing to do with it. I called Jeremy and told him that I knew he has been talking to Angie and lying to me about it. I don�t care that he talks to her, it�s the lying about it part that I cannot stand. He admitted it and said that he hates how I get jealous. Okay, I�m a jealous person by nature, but not with Angie (after I met her) and not with his ex. I have been so good lately. I called Angie and talked to her about it. She told me that they were just friends and that I had nothing to worry about. She told me that as far as she knew, he wasn�t cheating on me at all and had no intention to. She seemed aggravated that I called and I apologized and felt like a moron. There is still the text messaging in the middle of the night issue. When I asked him about it, he denied it. I printed out a copy of his phone bill, however because it�s his current usage, it doesn�t say if he is texting or if someone is texting him. What if it�s his ex who�s texting him at night and he answers the next day? I almost feel like I should table this one until I know for sure. Although I just want to be done with it. We are going to talk about everything tonight and try to go from there. At this point, he doesn�t know that I�ve snooped. I told him I overheard him talking to Angie and that I had her number from the last time I saw her (guess I�m good at lying too). Also, when I checked his email, I found an email from rent.com. A week ago today, he was looking at one bedroom apartments in his price range. His move out date was in April. Why is he looking at one bedroom apartments when we were supposed to get a house together this summer. That leads me to think of one of two things: 1). He�s been thinking about what he would do if we break up, since things have been rocky lately (I�ve been doing it too); or 2). He is going to leave me and is biding his time until he can afford to do so. I seriously pay for almost everything. The apartment is under my name and he would not be able to live on his own (at this point in his life). I just had a major breakdown and talked to my boss. She is slightly older (34) and she is like my mentor. She suggested that I tell Jeremy that I love him, want to be with him and want to have a future with him. I should tell him that I am aware that I am paranoid and jealous and tell him that I am working on it (and should work on it). I should then ask him every question I have (without letting him know that I snooped into his personal records). I should ask him about wanting to move to a house this summer, about the middle of the night text messaging, etc. If/when he denies everything and professes his love for me, I should accept it and take a week. See how things go and then check his information again. If he�s lying to me after all that, then we�re done. If he�s not, then I really need to let it go and not check his records again. She asked me, �What if all of this is a ploy and he�s going to ask you to marry him?� Great thought, but it doesn�t explain him looking at one bedroom apartments. I wish you all could know how much I hurt. My boss was shocked. She LOVES Jeremy. Everyone does. He�s so lovey and sweet with me, she could not believe that he would do something like that to me. That�s how everyone�s going to react. What if everyone chooses him over me? I will barely be able to afford rent on my own � what if I have to move in with my parents? What if he takes Clyde? What if I still have to see him because my friends are friends with him too? I can�t do this. This will almost kill me. I hate being alone. I hate not having someone to love and to love me back, but I also hate living alone. All my friends have serious boyfriends. I will be the odd one, the one everyone will feel sorry for. The one that sits at home night after night, wishing she were dead. Funny how just a few short weeks ago, I thought this was going to be one of the best years of my life. What a fucking joke. I�m a fucking joke. My life is fucking joke. Fuck Jeremy for ruining my dreams. For wasting 2 years of my life. For fucking me up even more than I was. I could throw up right now. I hope to God I�m wrong and there is an explanation for everything. Again, my life isn�t that good. That�s not how things work out for me. Right now I really fucking hate myself and my life. And Jeremy. 2:24 p.m. - February 07, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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