singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Okay Thank you for all of your lovely, supporting notes. Relationships are hard work, but you all know that. I think we�re going to be okay. Jeremy actually acted like nothing was wrong all weekend, and we had a fantastic weekend together. My guess? He was feeling guilty for not doing the dishes on Thursday night and did something that he does best � turned it around. My mom always says, �The best defense is offense,� and she�s right. My ex was like that too. It obviously works on me. He got home late Friday night and I called my best friend crying hysterically. Of course in my mind, for some reason, he wasn�t coming home at all. He called while I was on the phone with her and was stuck at work. He was grumpy and wanted to go out and drink instead of workout. I agreed (at this point I would have agreed to anything). We hadn�t been out on a Friday in such a long time, so it was nice. We met friends out � I wore a spectacular booby shirt and got lots of attention from men at the bar (which was my intent � I thought it would do him some good to see that other men look at me too � well, my boobs anyway). He also enjoyed the shirt and was very attentive all night (literally, I got so much attention � some of the patrons wanted to make me a tiara and crown me Queen of all Cleavage � it kind of makes me sick that I flaunted myself on purpose, but again, I would have done anything to save my relationship). Saturday, we woke up and worked out. We both had fantastic workouts and felt really good afterwards. When we got home, we just threw some regular clothes on (without showering � ew) and took Clyde for a mile walk on the Monon (it used to be railroad tracks, but now it�s a walking trail that goes all throughout Indianapolis) and on a hike through the woods. Jeremy and I talked (not about our relationship � I was too scared to bring it up) and held hands a lot while we were walking. Saturday night we went out with friends again, this time to a new piano bar. Jeremy was very attentive to me again and it was a fun night. We went home kind of early (his suggestion) and snuggled in bed while watching TV. Yesterday was a lazy day. We worked out, cleaned the carpets and then vegged in front of the TV for the rest of the day. We also had sex twice this weekend, which is a rarity nowadays. I am usually so exhausted from working out that all I want to do is sleep on the couch. All in all it was a good weekend. I was walking on eggshells for most of it, however. I didn�t ask him to do one thing. I didn�t disagree about anything. I was trying to be the perfect girlfriend. I was also analyzing everything - kind of like you do in the beginning of a relationship, �Why isn�t he holding my hand, why didn�t he kiss me before he got up,� things like that. I did ask him (several times) if he loved me. And Sunday night I asked him if he still wanted to marry me. I know that�s SO annoying, but I just needed some affirmation from him (verbal affirmation, obviously) that we were okay. Every time I asked, he kissed me and told me yes. The last time, he hugged me tight and told me to stop asking. So okay, I�m done. One annoyance � his ex-girlfriend called him on Sunday. They dated for several years (she�s the one he traveled with all over the world), but he hasn�t talked to her in a very long time (over a year at least � I think they only talked once or twice at the beginning of our relationship). He hates her, though � or he used to anyway. I�m not sure how he feels now. Anyway, she got his new cell phone number from his parents (thanks, guys) and called to congratulate him on finishing school (um, that was last May, but thanks anyway). He didn�t talk to her or call her back. He told me that he�s not ready to talk to her. What does that mean? If he doesn�t care about her, why isn�t he ready? Why would he have feelings about it at all? He told me that she asked him to get back together with her when we first started dating (he never told me that before � what a bitch). I asked him if he would date her again. His response? �No, I would never do the long distance thing again.� That! Was not a good answer. How about, �Of course not. I�m with you and I love you.� Or, �No, I still hate her.� Of course after his comment about the long distance, I said, �Could it also be because of me?� He said, �Of course,� but it bugged me that he didn�t say that first. So yeah, she couldn�t have picked a worse weekend to come crawling out of the woodwork, but whatever. I can stress about it or I can just have faith in Jeremy and faith in our relationship and hope to God that I don�t get screwed over again. Also, I�m going to be good about the upcoming sex toy party. As I previously mentioned, the boys are going to hire a stripper and play poker that night. Normally, that would bug me (who am I kidding, the thought of it makes me want to vomit, seriously), but what am I going to do? Insist that he stay home and not go? That�s not fair to him. I just have to trust him and pray to God that he doesn�t end up having sex with the stripper (or even touch her at all � ew), or look at her a think, �Why doesn�t my girlfriend look like that?� and then go home and break up with me. I also will have to somehow find the strength to have sex with him at some point afterwards (just the thought of him thinking about the stripper while we�re doing it makes me want to cry � seriously, I�m at work and I�m about to cry). Do all men do things like this or do I have the biggest bunch of perverted, piggish, asshole guy friends around? I guess if anything, this gives me motivation to workout so that one day I can look like a stripper (what great aspirations I have). Seriously though, if he�s going to look at strippers, then I want to have a great body, barely wear clothes and have every man at the bar want me. Then he can walk on eggshells around me hoping that I still love him. It�s not fun. 8:38 a.m. - January 30, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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