singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Please God I�m sitting at work, desperately trying to keep it together. I just talked to Jeremy and he sounded so sad. I asked him what was wrong and he said, �I�m sad about us.� I then told him that I thought we were doing better. We were fine last night and we had a plan to spend more quality time together. He agreed and then said, �We can only take it one step at a time.� I told him he sounded like he was giving up and he said, �That�s the last thing I want to do.� This is the first time I�ve really thought our relationship might have the possibility of being over. This is the first time where I don�t feel in control of our relationship. This happened with my ex. When I felt like he wanted to leave me, I was the girlfriend who let him walk all over her. I did anything to make him stay. I don�t want to do that again, but I love Jeremy so much. I really thought we were going to get married. People call him my husband. Everyone loves him. He is my best friend. He gets like this sometimes. I was the one who said, �I don�t feel like we�re connecting anymore.� Sometimes when something negative is said about me or our relationship he feeds on it. For example, if he hears my mom call me bossy, then for the next week or so, me being bossy is what he constantly brings up. I had to finally ask my mom to stop saying negative things (jokingly or not) in front of him because he takes it and runs with it. I�m hoping that he�s just feeling neglected by me. I really have been so into my new healthy lifestyle and working out that I�ve put our relationship on the back burner. I�m hoping he�s using my words as a way to get attention and to �shock� me into changing things. He�s very dramatic and is more �girly� like that than I am. Already I�m thinking, �Okay, on the way home I�ll pick up the most elaborate bouquet of flowers and make him an incredible meal (diet be damned).� I can�t though. If I do, he�ll feed on that too. Does that make sense? He�ll think. �Oh, it�s working. She�s feeling bad. I�ll have to keep this up.� We can�t break up. We are meant to be together. He loves me and I love him. Hopefully this will blow over. Please pray for us. If we break up, I don�t know what I�ll do. Possibly die. I can�t believe I have to sit here for 4.5 more hours acting like everything is fine. I have tears welling up in my eyes and my heart hurts so badly. My stomach is flip flopping and I just want to be with him right now. Oh God, please, please, please let us stay together and get married and have lots of babies. He�s the best thing that�s ever happened to me and can�t live without him. 1:08 p.m. - January 27, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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