singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I Almost Died (or at least it felt like it) Fucking panic attacks. I had a horrible one yesterday. I couldn�t control it. I tried everything I could and no matter what I did, I felt like I couldn�t get enough oxygen. For several minutes, I honestly thought I was going to die. Have you ever seriously felt like you were going to die? It is the scariest feeling in the world. It started around noon. We were in the car on our way to a bar to watch the Colts game and all of a sudden, I couldn�t breathe. I was able to calm myself down a bit and felt somewhat comfortable to go into the bar. I sat there and chatted with my friends for about 45 minutes and then had another attack. Jeremy and I left immediately and started to drive home. My attack got worse and worse and at that point, I couldn�t get enough oxygen into my body to feel safe. We drove to the nearest hospital, where I was told to have a seat in the ER waiting room. Um, right. First off, the attack was still going strong and was getting worse because I was in the hospital (I guess it just felt more real, so it made me panic more). I couldn�t sit down because that made breathing harder. Also, I was beginning to have tunnel vision, my heart was racing, my arms and legs were going numb and everything sounded weird and fuzzy. It was awful. But not being able to get enough air � that was the worst. Once they saw that I was not able to calm down � I think I started becoming hysterical at this point, they saw me right away. My blood pressure was SO high. It was 189 over 130. Isn�t it supposed to be 120 over 80? After that, they did an EKG because my heart was beating so fast and took a blood sample to test for blood clots (because I�m on birth control and was having problems breathing). Let me tell you about the blood sample � it was awful. However, it did completely calm me down as far as the attack went. I hate having my blood drawn. It doesn�t work. My veins are tiny. I told her that (I tell everyone that) and nobody believes me. After tying the rubber thing around my arm, she tapped on my veins for 10 minutes (okay, ouch). Then she pricked my vein and guess what? Nothing came out. She flushed my vein, moved the needle around (OUCH) and the vein bubbled and nothing came out. This happened 3 other times (in different places) until finally she found a good vein � 4 inches below the surface!! My arms are KILLING me by the way. If I remember, I�ll take a photo of the bruises and post them tomorrow (lucky, lucky). She put the catheter into the vein and they drugged me with anti-anxiety medication. It was nice. I felt like a noodle. It was called Advert or something like that. They also gave me a prescription for Xanax and I took one last night before bed. I was very dopey and drugged all day. It was nice because then I didn�t have to worry about having an attack. I�m going to the doctor today to see what else I can be doing. I�m not drinking caffeine anymore and I�m always going to have Xanax on me. I still feel like I can�t get enough air sometimes, but I think that�s because the thought of having another one is in my mind. The EKG and the blood sample were both fine. And my lungs are clear. The ER cannot diagnose a *whispers* mental illness, but they were able to rule out any physical problems. So, how much do you think my jaunt to the ER is going to cost me? Should we make a bet? I do have insurance, however I have no idea what they cover. I was there in a bed for 2 hours, I had a basic check up (i.e. blood pressure, etc), an EKG, blood work, a blood test, a catheter and some drugs. Jeremy�s guess is $2,000. I do have to say, it was worth it. I was so scared. No more caffeine and no more cigarettes. Both are stimulants and apparently I can�t handle it. Thankfully, alcohol is a depressant, although starting January I�m not drinking for awhile. Or smoking of any kind. Or having fun, really. Can I say how nervous I was about the blood sample...I kept imagining cops coming in and saying, �Well, you�re not dying, however you do have some illegal substances in you blood. We�re going to have to take you to jail.� Yeah, Jeremy and I totally smoked pot the night before. We suck. I hadn�t done it in a long while...I totally refused to take a urine test at the hospital. I went to the bathroom 4 times (peed all 4 times), but told them that I just couldn�t go. So yeah, I�m sure that didn�t help the panic either. Thank God for whatever drug they gave me. So relaxing. One last question...does anti-anxiety drugs decrease your appetite? I can�t decide if I�m not hungry because of the drugs or if it�s because I�m worried that I can�t get enough air. Either way... la la la, skinnier me! 1:01 p.m. - December 12, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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