singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Grrrrrrr I look really stoned right now. My eyes are glassy and red. Unfortunately that�s not the case. I�m just really, really tired. Jeremy was out until 1:30 am last night. He had the day off today and was playing poker with the guys. Unfortunately for me (and him, I guess), I cannot sleep without him there. It�s not because I have to physically have him next to me, but because I am jumpy and nervous. While we don�t live in the ghetto, we live close enough that things could (and sometimes do) happen in our area. Let me put it another way, our apartment has a deadbolt, chain, bar and lock. Those were on the door before we moved in. When Jeremy is not there, I can only use the deadbolt (which anyone can get past). I don�t feel 100% safe unless we are completely locked in. Most of the time, I just take lots of sleeping pills when he�s gone, (I always have those on hand because I�m also an anxious sleeper � i.e. if I have ANYTHING on my mind, I�m up for hours thinking about it) and I�m out. I didn�t take any last night because I had to wake up at 6 this morning. I tossed and turned until 1:30 am and then broke down and called him (I didn�t want to be the uncool girlfriend). I asked him if he would just spend the night at his friend�s house because I wanted to lock up and go to bed. He decided he didn�t want to and was home 5 minutes later. Of course he settled right into bed and was out within minutes. I was up for the next half hour to an hour, mad (not at him necessarily, but at the unfairness of having to work so early, having to work for 10 hours and not being able to sleep). Finally a little after 3, I was out. And I woke up at 6. Jeremy, who was feeling guilty I guess, got up when I did and started to clean up the house from Girls Night. He also offered me breakfast. I was SO tired and grumpy, the only thing I could utter was, �Don�t talk to me please.� I�m so nice I know, but oh my God, I was SO tired. *** I hope Jeremy and I have a good weekend. We haven�t really been connecting lately, which is my fault. I have been a grumpy asshole for the past few weeks. I also have pimples � 4 of them!!!! All on the right hand side of my face. 2 on my chin, 1 below my lip (it looks like I have herpes) and one on the side of my nose. I NEVER get pimples. I must be stressed or something... I think part of it is Clyde. I never adjust well to change. Even if the change is a good thing (which he definitely is) � it still throws me into a rut. Every time I am depressed for no reason, it�s ALWAYS because of a life-changing event (i.e. moving to our new apartment, having Jeremy move in, having my best friend move out, graduating from college, etc.). I kind of want to do nothing this weekend, but we already have plans for tonight. A �friend� is having a keg for his birthday. Friend is in quotes because he�s not really my friend (or Jeremy�s), but an acquaintance. He and his wife have been spending more time with the group lately and have questioned me (and Jeremy) several times about why we never attend his parties (it�s because he�s not one of my favorite people). Anyway, we�re going (all my friends are going too), but it might only be for a half an hour. I kind of want to bring cherry-flavored 3 Olives to drink (with diet coke), but it seems kind of pointless to buy vodka for a keg party. Vodka would make me very untired and very drunk. I think I would have a much better time. Lately I feel like Jeremy�s been having more fun with my friends than I have. We�ll go out with my (okay, our) friends and he�ll have a better time, talk to more people and I feel like I�m dragging him down. It�s almost like I�m being pushed to the outside and they like him better than me. I know it�s just the �depression� making it look like that, but I don�t like it. *** I was thinking about trying out for the show, The Biggest Loser, but there is NO way I could wear spandex and announce my weight on TV. That would be horrific. I�ve just been feeling so fat lately (okay I always feel fat, but I feel much more fat lately). I don�t want Jeremy to touch my body because if I�m absolutely repulsed by it. I�m constantly grabbing and squeezing my fat thinking about how gross it is. We haven�t had sex in 8 days. Again, it�s my fault. It�s just hard to feel sexy when you�re a). repulsed by yourself; b). pimply; c). tired; d). depressed, stressed and angry all the time. *** In good news, I don�t have to work this weekend. And after tonight, I have no plans (I�m sure that will change). Possibly I should just spend the entire weekend getting high and drunk � that way I won�t have to feel like myself. It�s been awhile... 4:46 p.m. - November 04, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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