singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My Life Fucking Sucks Let me start by saying that this entry is going to be full of self-pity and sadness. Please do not leave me any notes telling me that I have a great life anyway and to please be happy with what I have. Also, please do not leave me notes telling me to leave and/or stay with Jeremy. In fact, it might be safe to just not comment on this. Jeremy and I have been talking the past few days about our immediate future � where we should live, how we are going to make ends meet, etc. Sometimes I wish I was still in the dark about his finances. Ignorance is truly bliss. I am nervous about having my name on the rent and all the utilities. If we broke up, he could leave and I would be royally screwed. Easy solution? Put his name on the lease � he owes $3,000 in past due bills. Do you think the rental offices will trust that he will pay his rent in time? No. I also expressed to him that I just wished things were easier. I wish that our families would get along, I wish that I didn�t have to be put in this financial position � why can�t things just fucking work out for me for once? All I wanted to do was meet a nice person who loves me and who can support himself and has a non-horrifying family. MOST people could meet these requirements. Leave it to me, or my fucked up fate, to meet someone who can�t. He owes $3,000, he�s paid $3,000 on my ring. Anyone see where we are going? Yeah, he�s going to sell my ring and pay off his bills. It still won�t be soon enough to make a difference in his credit, but he would be able to catch up on his bills and not have to worry about paying that on top of his regular bills. It makes total sense. Logically it�s fantastic and, whew � what a relief, right? Too bad it broke my heart. Now I�m in a position where I am paying rent, utilities, food and entertainment for the both of us. His life is easier because he won�t have to get a part time job to cover just his rent, half of the utilities, he car insurance and his bill payments. He might even be able to chip in a little bit for food and entertainment. How awesome is that?!? Not only are we NOT getting engaged, I still get to pay all the bills. Could life not get any fucking better than this? Oh, and in the meantime, we (meaning I) still cannot save for furniture, a down payment on a house, etc. How awesome? And yeah, how embarrassing. Now where people ask me when I�m going to get engaged, instead of acting coy and saying that I think it might be soon, I can say, �Probably never.� How FUN!!!!!! Which logically I KNOW it would be the dumbest thing in the world to get engaged right now, it just makes me sad that we aren�t there anymore, you know? So basically this next year is our trial (at least in my head it is). I love Jeremy � enough to give him another year. In this year we are going to have to work on our relationship, money issues and I�m going to work on my weight. Because if this doesn�t work out, I�m going to have to look as hot as possible because next time I�m marrying for money. Fuck this love shit. It�s way too hard and overrated. Jeremy just hugged me and told me that he loves me and doesn�t want to lose me. I couldn�t hug him back or even speak. Oh, one last rant�Jeremy thinks that I�m �being too negative� and that �I�m rushing him to find a better job.� Yeah, I probably am. But does he not realize that if he doesn�t get a better job, EVERYTHING falls to me? Don�t you think he would be doing the same thing if our roles were reversed? I�m just trying to help him � my girls called me and invited me to the track today for a fun day of drinking and basking in the sun. I said no because Jeremy asked if I could help him with his resume. See, asshole � I�m trying to HELP you. Life really fucking sucks. I feel a depression coming on. How much stress can a person take before cracking? 7:19 a.m. - May 14, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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