singlegirl's Diaryland Diary
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My Inner Voice Might Be Named Cybil
This diary is the ugliest side of me. It reflects my insecurities, imperfections and neurosis. I use this to expel those thoughts so I can live in my day-to-day life without being that person. The author of this diary isn�t really even �me,� it�s the inner voice we all have � my inner voice just happens to be insecure and neurotic.
In real life, nobody sees this side of me. In real life I am the center (that sounds conceited, but it�s not) � I am �best� friends with everyone. I make the phone calls, the plans and am the first one people call if they want to go out. I�m also the nurturing one, the mother, the �Samantha� of the group and the most honest person you will meet.
Someone left me a note asking why I wanted to marry Jeremy if I didn�t trust him � I DO trust him. But every once in awhile, that inner voice comes out and questions everything. I use this diary to get those thoughts out of my head so I can move on. And yes, I do have issues with Jeremy looking at porn or going to strip clubs, but I can�t help it. That�s unfortunately is who I am � I wish I could be like most every other girl and be cavalier about it, but I can�t. Is he going to go to a strip club in 3 weeks for a bachelor party? Yes. Will I dress like a whore and act completely inappropriately towards men during the bachelorette party? Yes. But, I feel like if he�s staring at naked girls and having their body parts pressed against him, then I can do the same. I�m just such a �feminist� about that subject � I believe that it�s fair. If he�s going to be at a strip club, he certainly cannot expect me to wait at home for him, knitting. Will I write several �freak out� entries about him going to a strip club prior to the actual event? Yes � sorry in advance. Do I wish I wouldn�t be like this? Yes. Will I cheat on him? No. Will we be fine? Yes. Will I feel weird having sex with him afterwards (because in my mind he�s fantasizing about Buffy, Amber, Bunny, etc)? Yes. Does it matter that my breasts are larger than most strippers, fake or real? No � everyone thinks that just because I have large breasts, I am so secure about those things.
But, in real life, people won�t know any of this. Sure, Jeremy and I will have the �no lap dances or I will give another guy a blow job� talk, but other than that, it�ll be fine. But just because I express these insecurities and question him sometimes (in this diary), doesn�t mean that I don�t ultimately trust him. I think there are different levels of trust though. I do trust that Jeremy will not cheat on me and I do trust that he loves me. However, because he has lied in the past, I sometimes struggle with the other stuff. 90% of the time, he has my complete trust, but then something will happen (usually it�s nothing), but that fucking inner voice will remind me that he has lied in the past. Then I start questioning everything and it spirals from there. I am working on it � but it�s hard when you�ve been fucked over in the past�and yes, I realize that almost every girl has been fucked over in the past, but it really affected me. I wish I could change how I reacted to it, but I can�t.
And, annalyn � please do not think I�m angry or upset about your note. I like when people express their opinions and views (especially if they�re different from mine. I just thought I would take this opportunity to make clarify some things.
Okay, on to better subjects�Jeremy did find the playgirl.com and nakedmen.com websites on the computer. He thought is was funny, although he did ask why I was looking at them and then pointed out that he doesn�t really look at porn sites. I�m not quite sure he�s seen the �how to have pleasurable sex even though he has a small penis� google search yet � I think I might erase it tonight. I�m not sure he would find the humor in that. I thought it was funny�Also, he�s annoyed because I told the girls about the naked lady (�Lisa�) icon on my co-worker�s computer and now they are calling him Lisa. Ha, ha.
He did leave me this note this morning (God love him, but he�s not a very good writer). Oh, and so you know, the comments in quotes are from me � they weren�t in the original note:
�Dear Lizzy,
I realize that it has been a long time since we had sex. (9 days). You asked me last night if the spark was still there (it was OC night, which meant I was drinking wine with the girls until 1 am). Yes, it is. My mind has been so cluttered with school crap (see, so eloquent), worrying about graduating, but all of that is finally over. Now I can really focus on us and what we need to do. Just as you didn�t give up on me with school, I am asking you not to give up on us (I�m not sure why he would think that � we didn�t fight about it at all last night. As I recall I drunkenly smacked him on the ass and asked him why he didn�t want to fuck me and then jokingly suggested that the spark was gone � I was drunk though so I probably sounded pissed). I promise you that we still have an amazing life together. We have time to ourselves tonight � let�s have a night of passion, lust and desire (I didn�t even know guys used those words) tonight. I love you with all of my heart. I love you.�
So sweet, but I�m not sure I can handle a night of passion, lust and desire tonight. I am SO tired from partying the last 2 nights and I have to work tomorrow morning. I need to drink lots of caffeine today�
Okay, 2 more things � bear with me. I have 2 possible dresses to wear to a wedding. I want input. I would wear each of these with the shrug that pictured below (sorry, fat women should not expose their arms). Which dress do you like better? Do you think it would look good with the shrug? If not, any other arm hiding suggestions � but no wraps, I don�t want to hold on to it all night.
Lastly, does anyone want to design me a template? I am so computer-illiterate, that it�s not even funny. My current template is ugly and depressing. I would so appreciate it � it doesn�t have to be anything fancy. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
11:14 a.m. - May 06, 2005
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