singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm Not a Cheerleader, Nor Will I Ever Be I have a confession. This is extreme though, and now I�m not sure if I regret it or not. I�m not quite ready to confess yet � I found out this morning, that if you don�t delete the history on your computer, people can still get into your diary (whether it�s locked or not). I have class tonight, and I�m afraid that Jeremy might check this before I get home and then it won�t be secret anymore. I don�t think that he is reading my diary, but just in case� While discovering that people can still access my diary, I found that Jeremy was looking at photos of Colts cheerleaders in bikinis. Now, I realize that this is a completely normal act and that most men have ogled cheerleaders (and other half dressed girls) many times in their lives. So knowing all this, why did it still make my stomach churn? I think it�s because I know that no matter how hard I try, how little I eat and how much prayer I put into it, I will NEVER have that kind of body. It�s something that Jeremy desires (obviously, or he wouldn�t be looking at the photos) and I will never be able to give it to him. I think this must be how *some* smaller breasted women must feel � especially if they know that their significant other desires women with larger breasts. This is probably why many women get breast implants. I wish there was some quick-fix solution for my problem too (and yes, I�m being cavalier about this, but I do realize that breast implants can cause major health risks, etc.). And while I can diet and exercise to lose weight, I will never have that kind of body � I think I�ve done �permanent damage� (i.e. stretch marks) and I�m just not that thin � I will have big hips whether I weigh 1,000 pounds (God help me) or 100 pounds. Also, a few times lately, Jeremy would make the comment, �If you had a body like that (insert unfairly hot girl here), you would leave me.� And, in fairness, he usually says that after I say, �Can you imagine if I had that body?� I guess it just bugs me because it makes me feel like he�s dating me because he knows that I�m �safe.� He doesn�t have to worry about me straying or finding someone better because I�m fat. Of course once I say that, he gets defensive (rightly so, I guess) and tells me that he loves me for who I am, he thinks I�m beautiful, blah, blah, blah, barf. I don�t really know where I�m going with this�I guess: 1). Most of my insecurities about him looking at porn, going to strip clubs, etc. is because I will NEVER be able to compete with those girls � if that is what he wants, he�ll probably eventually leave me. 2). I don�t want him to be with me because I�m safe (i.e. fat and won�t leave him) � do we have the same issues?!? 3). What if I lose weight and still don�t feel good enough? What then? Endless plastic surgery that will leave me thousands of dollars in debt? So, what am I going to do? I�m going to look at my own �porn� on the internet and leave the history up so he can see what I was looking at. I just want him to feel like I do sometimes � and other than that, I�m going to let it go and work on making myself look and feel better. I just wonder if I�ll ever be in a place where I�m happy with myself? Or at least not care as much. And truly, I don�t go around berating myself all day, it�s just that when I realize that Jeremy is looking at skimpy ho bags frolicking on the beach, it makes me realize that no matter what I do, I will never be one of the frolicking ho bags, and that pisses me off. Not at him, just in general � at the �unfairness� of life (again, I�m being cavalier because I realize that life can be MUCH more unfair that not having a perfect body). My stomach hurts � I think it might have to do with my secret. I wish I could take back what I did. I�m not sure I�m going to like what I find out. 3:15 p.m. - May 03, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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