singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ugly Gross Pictures - Coming Soon! I called my dad last night to see if he wanted to go to dinner. My mom made me feel guilty about not calling him since she left to go to North Carolina over 2 weeks ago. I guess my dad has been sitting at home eating leftovers or takeout every night. He doesn�t even have my dog to keep him company since I have him at my apartment. Although, truth be told, he never called me either. While we were talking, my dad asked me how I felt about my grandpa � this shocked me. My dad and I don�t �talk.� I started to cry � I�m not sure if it was because my dad actually took an interest in talking to me or if it was because we were talking about my grandfather, who is basically a vegetable. Anyway, we�re going out to dinner tonight with my little brother (and probably my older brother and his wife), who is in town for an interview for a summer internship. My mom will be out of town until the beginning of May, and then she�s coming home. My grandma will have to decide what she wants to do then. My grandpa will be in a nursing home, where he will most likely die. My mom said that the fire and life has gone out of his eyes. My grandma can either go into the nursing home with him or she can come back here (leave him) and spend the last of her years surrounded by family. I think it would be a hard choice � it would be so hard to leave your husband, but it would also be so hard to be alone (he would be there, but he wouldn�t be able to interact with her). My mom even said that it would probably be best if he died. That way she can be with family and he could die in peace. I would hate to be in a nursing home for the last years of my life, not able to move, eat or go to the bathroom. It honestly makes me sick to think that in a period of 10 minutes, my grandpa went from a strong, able-bodied caregiver, to a lifeless vegetable. He has no short term memory and is unable to do anything at all. When my mom visits him at the hospital (and my grandma is not there) he asks my mom, �where?� over and over again, meaning �where is my wife?�. My mom tells him over and over that she isn�t there, but he keeps asking because his short term memory is gone. He also kisses my grandma all the time, which might be his way of saying goodbye. I want him to recover, but at this point, it doesn�t seem likely. His brain is still healing, but he just seems so far away. My second �job� requires me to go to the Independent Living Center, which is where my grandparent�s were going to move. I have to choke down tears when I see this certain elderly couple walking down the hallway. They remind me so much of my grandparents and it breaks my heart to walk down the halls that they were supposed to walk down. Okay, enough about that� Jeremy and I finally had sex last night. We hadn�t had sex since Chicago because my dog was sleeping with us and then I got my period. Of course, when I came last night, my dog jumped onto the bed and almost ripped apart my chest. Ouch. Sex is also hurting again. It feels like Jeremy is ripping me open, which is an unpleasant metaphor, but I don�t think I should have to bite the pillow to keep from screaming in pain when we have sex (can you imagine what my dog would have done if I would have screamed in pain?). It only happens sometimes and only in certain positions�I just am waiting for my health insurance (yes, we might be getting insurance � might being the key word) to kick in so I can schedule a pap smear. I haven�t had one in years, which I know is so very stupid. Especially since I have had abnormal pap smears in the past and had to have a piece of my cervix removed to be tested (yeah, ouch). When I had my abnormal pap, my doctor looked at me and said, �This could be HPV, do you know what this is?� I swear, I almost died on the exam table � I had never heard of HPV, so I was certain that she said HIV. It turns out it wasn�t HPV (thank God � for those of you who do not know what this is, it�s the worst STD � there�s no cure and it can be passed during intercourse with or without a condom. There are lots of different strains � some cause genital warts, others cause cervical cancer and other strains have no symptoms but the person is a carrier � ICK!), it was just abnormal cells, but still. I had to go get a pap smear done once a month for a year. Awful. Right. Well, enough about my cervix and pap smears. Let�s move on to my hair (my, my - I am fascinating today, aren�t I?). I love my curly hair. Love it. I wake up, wash it, put some curl stuff in it, let it air dry while I apply makeup and get dressed, then I spray hair spray in it and scruntch it one last time. It�s big, curly and bouncy. Plus it looks much healthier and I save over a half hour every day. I just want it to be long again � I have pictures that I need to scan in. I�ll do it one of these days. Unfortunately none of the recent picture of me and/or Jeremy are good. Somehow I instinctively rearrange my facial expressions (and double chin) in the most unattractive manner whenever the flash bulb goes off. Oh well. 4:44 p.m. - April 06, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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