singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ben, A Nice Guy? No A few weeks ago, my friends and I were sitting around talking about Ben (my ex). A quick recap of Ben and I: we dated for almost 3 years. He was an alcoholic, who was also intermittently depressed and hated having sex (with me anyway). He treated me very badly (i.e. pushed me when he was drunk, cheated on me, was obsessed with porn and strippers, didn�t pay for anything and refused to drive � ever). He was just a self-absorbed drunk loser and I was weak and just wanted to be loved. Can you see how that relationship changed me? A lot of women fall into patterns of horrible relationships � they are continually weak and let men dominate them. Not me � I did the opposite, probably too much so. Sometimes I think that not only do I wear the pants in the relationship, but I wear the shirt, socks and shoes too. I�m working on letting the control go, and I have gotten so much better lately. I just am trying to protect myself from the Ben�s of the world. That is also why when I�ve caught Jeremy in his lies, I get so upset and then feel horrible about not leaving him. I don�t want to be *that* girl anymore. So anyway, back to the story. We were sitting around talking about Ben and all of my friends thought that he was a �good guy.� They agreed that he wasn�t good for me, but that overall he was a good person. Huh?!? Are these the same friends that comforted me over and over again when Ben was drunk and out of control, when he would push me (literally and figuratively) away, when he refused to have sex with me (do you know what that did to my self-esteem?), when he cheated on me, when he borrowed money he never returned, when he became addicted to porn stars and strippers (again, do you know what that did to my self-esteem?), when he never took me out or paid for anything in the 3 years we were dating? It infuriated me that they could just skim over those facts and think he�s a swell guy. They wouldn�t even know him if we didn�t date, nor do they see him much now. If they think he�s such a fucking great guy, is everything that happened in our relationship my fault? Was he a completely fucktard reject because I enabled him so much? It just really sucked hearing my friends speak fondly of the asshole who made 3 years of my life miserable. I wonder how they would feel if I called up their ex-boyfriends, started hanging out with them, and then declared them as �super nice guys�? Maybe I�m just being overly sensitive, but what happened to loyalty? I don�t expect them to shun Ben or to be mean to him, but they don�t have to gush about him in front of me. But, whatever. I let it go. They can like him, but just don�t kiss his ass in front of me. So after all my ranting and raving, why am I going to text message Ben and wish him a happy birthday? Because we�re still �friends� (I have only seen him, maybe 3 times since Thanksgiving) and because I need to show him that I don�t care. I think if I show anger or something towards him, he will know how much he fucked me up. Oh, and sleeping with his best friend? I�m so over feeling guilty about it. I wonder if he knows about it yet? He�s dating someone now. It�s the first time I�ll see him with a �real� girlfriend since we broke up. He did date the married girl for a brief moment, but I don�t really count that. He�s all into her like he was with me at first. His (MY) guy friends were joking last Saturday that, �Ben has better things to do than hang out with us.� Yeah, someone should tell this girl that sex is good at first, but he comes in under 10 seconds almost every time (the *good* part is the foreplay). I sound like I�m jealous, but I�m not. It�ll just be weird. That�s all. One last thing about Ben � that�s not his real name. When I started this diary, I changed everyone�s names to protect them. I didn�t do that with Jeremy because I didn�t know if he would be around for the long haul or not when I first met him. Anyway, it�s really hard for me not to call him Ben when I talk to him or about him. People would think I was nuts, because his real name is Nik. Yeah, spelled like that cause he always has to be different. People literally referred to us as �the punk and the princess� or �the punk and the prep.� I should post a picture of him now that my diary is locked. I think everyone would be shocked. He and Jeremy are polar opposites. Okay, seriously�enough about Nik. It�s kind of refreshing to write his real name here. 2:23 p.m. - March 09, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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