singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Self-Pitying Entry Ahead! My friends and I finally figured out our New Year�s Eve plans. We�re going to go to a friend�s house and spend the night there (he lives kind of far). At least we won�t have to worry about paying hundred of dollars for a hotel party or driving home. Of course just as I was thinking that we might have a nice, relaxing New Year�s Eve, one of my friends had to send out an email requesting that we all dress up. Gag. This next part is going to sound bitchy, but I can�t help it, it�s how I feel. I HATE it when my friends (and I) dress up. My friends are drop dead gorgeous and thin. Not �regular� thin, but thin (with tiny waists, breasts, long legs, etc�). They wear the cutest black dresses or whatever else is in style, while I wear something on bottom (black pants, jean skirt, black skirt) and some very revealing shirt so that people will notice the cleavage and not the fat (doesn�t work, by the way). I figure that if nothing else, at least I have the biggest boobs and should show them off. I hate posing with them in pictures and I hate it when people tell me I look nice. No, I really don�t, but thanks and fuck off. I feel embarrassed for Jeremy in these situations � all the other girls are gorgeous while he�s stuck with me. Yes, I know big pity party, but when you�re surrounded by beautiful people and you�re the ugly fat girl wearing lots of ugly fat girl clothing, it really fucking sucks and makes you hate yourself. So fine, I�m finally doing something about it. Yes, I feel good about my progress, but it�s not going to make a difference THIS New Year�s Eve. I will still be the ugly fat girl wearing the ugly fat girl clothes. And truly I don�t have the money or the desire to spend money desperately trying to find something that makes me look skinn, because guess what, it doesn�t exist. Part of me just doesn�t want to go. I�ll be so self-conscious and hating myself all night � why should I do that to myself? But Jeremy wants to go and my friends want us there (probably because no matter what they look like, if I�m there, it doesn�t matter). The old me would have just gotten rip roaringly drunk to deal with the situation, but the new me (that one that cannot drink) will not be able to. Sounds like such a fun, special night. One last rant about my friends � they may be pretty, but they�re not smart. Again, the girls are planning a trip to Vegas (I�ve never been) to celebrate my friend�s birthday (she lives in Phoenix and I haven�t seen her since last May). Once again they ask me to go, once again I decline claiming that I cannot afford to go. In reality I could go (and they know that), but refuse to fly anywhere until I am certain that I will �fit� in the seats. I do not want special treatment or a special seat � I want to fly on an airplane with dignity, not with pity and contempt. If my friends were smarter, they would realize this, but instead they beg me to go, try to make me feel guilty and then come home with these fabulous stories. Meanwhile, inside I�m wanting to go so badly, but I just can�t. Easy solution? Tell my friends about not fitting into the seats. Explain to my best friend in Phoenix that it�s the reason why I�ve never visited her, declined her free trip to Florida and will not be celebrating her birthday with her. I just can�t get the words out of my mouth. It�s too embarrassing. Enough of the pity party� I want to go home really badly right now (not my home, but my parent�s home). My little brother is home from college and he brought home his new puppy (I�ve never seen her). My dog, who lives with my parent�s, has never �lived� with another dog before. My mom said it is so adorable, that they are inseparable and are having a good time. Reggie (my dog) acts a little jealous sometimes (he stole Chewy�s bone and hid it from him � too cute), but overall he�s like a big brother. Hopefully I can go home and visit them tomorrow or Sunday � my weekend is filling up fast. I love my puppy and never get to see him enough (even though my parent�s live 20 minutes away). I�m only over there maybe once a month. I had a dream the other night that my dad died and I was really sad because we never really talked or were close. I hope that�s not a premonition. It scared me a lot. Anyway�going to get water. I haven�t started drinking my 128 ounces yet. Barf. 1:25 p.m. - December 17, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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