singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Right Now, I Really Fucking Hate Jeremy I�m almost too embarrassed to write what I�m about to� I�ve caught Jeremy in yet another lie, but I don�t think I�m going to leave him. How pathetic is that? Before I go into the lie, let me just reiterate how I do not believe that he is cheating on me. We seriously spend every single night together and are together nonstop from Friday after work until Monday morning. If he was cheating, he would be doing it at work. He also does not leave to run �errands� or get phone calls on his cell phone. Aside from that, this is also the absolute best relationship I�ve ever been in. He treats me like a queen and he is so loving and giving. Okay�here�s the lie. I googled something on the computer, and �personals� came up. I asked him about it and he at first denied it. Then he told me that his friend Colleen placed an ad and she asked him to look at it. Something didn�t seem right, so I asked him to show me the ad (perhaps I seem a little untrusting � I have every right to be), which had mysteriously disappeared. So, I tell him I would like to call her and ask her about it and so he confessed that he was looking at personal ads because he was bored one day (his friend never placed that ad). WHAT?!?! First, he lied to me yet again. Secondly my boyfriend was looking at personal ads. He was looking up single girls in the area (luckily for me, it was through the yahoo personals, so if ever tried to contact them, I�ll be able to see it). Does anyone else think that�s incredibly wrong? So, what the fuck to I do. Do I leave him and lose the absolute best thing that�s ever happened to me? Or do I forgive him (again) and wait until the next time he fucks up? He�s promised before that there would never be a next time � how many times will I have to hear it? God, part of me thinks it�s probably harmless � how many of us looked at the stupid ads people place and laugh? But, the bigger part of me thinks that he�s a fucking psycho liar and that maybe our whole relationship is a sham. This is going to sound crass, so sorry upfront. It�s not a secret that my family has money. Even though my job doesn�t pay what it should, I have a trust fund (that so far I�ve refused to use � it�s not that much anyway) and my parent�s will always help me out if need be. Saying that, keep in mind that Jeremy comes from a small(er) town and his family is poor. What if he�s just using me to get out of Fort Wayne and into a better life? I asked him that last night and he seemed shocked and vehemently denied it. We�re going to see my mom this morning at the gym, part of me wants to say to her (in front of him). �Jeremy was looking at personal ads online behind my back. What do you think of that?� It will embarrass him and she might lay into him, but my parent�s already aren't very trusting of him (perhaps they�re right?), so if this blows over, I�ll have to listen to them talk about his lying for the rest of my life. I might tell one of my girlfriends and have her grill him tonight. See what she thinks of the situation. Only one of my friends even knows about that email he wrote and I�m not sure if I can even tell them about this. It�s embarrassing. And it makes me look pathetic and weak. I sound like one of those wives whose husbands cheat on them and they say, �I know he�s doing it, but I also know that he loves me.� I don�t want to be one of those women. And, I know I�ve said this before, but I�ve never done anything to hurt him- why would he do it to me? Does he not respect me? Am I not good enough for him? No fucking wonder I have low-self esteem. I think I was in shock last night. It hasn�t happened since my best friend died. I was so cold, but it wasn�t a temperature thing. I went to bed fully dressed and was shaking most of the night. What am I shocked about? MY BOYFRIEND LOOKED AT PERSONAL ADS ONLINE for starters, also because I feel so stupid and alone, and because after last time, I cannot believe that he would lie to me again. How should I react to him? Right now he�s not allowed to touch me (when I�m really upset, I hate to be touched by anyone) � but what about when he wakes up? Should I put some space between us � start doing my own thing without him? Should I stop making his meals so that he realizes what he has here? Should I withhold sex or any meaningful conversations? Should I leave him? Or, because he�s the best thing that�s ever happened to me and I love him so much, should I just forgive him one more time? I HATE him for putting me in this position. I�ve never wanted to hit anyone so badly last night. It made me so mad that he was crying, and looking at me with such sad eyes. He has no right to cry and be sad. He did this himself. FUCK him. And now, I�m going to go look at the girls he was looking at. What a great start to my weekend. Asshole. 7:36 a.m. - December 04, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||