singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- No More Negativity! I think my life is going to change for the better. I have been so unhappy these last few weeks, and it�s been affecting every part of my life. My biggest problem is my negative self-talk. I am so mean to myself. If Jeremy doesn�t look at me while I�m undressing, I�ll think to myself, �Why would he look at you? You�re disgusting and if he did look at you he would probably get sick.� I think things like that constantly. And more recently, I�ve been verbalizing them, which has made Jeremy angry. Also, when I have these thoughts, it�s almost like I�ve convinced myself that Jeremy really does feel that way about me, and then I don�t want to talk to him or touch him. It�s really fucking stupid. It�s been a cycle between us, but hopefully it�ll stop. I�ll have negative self-talk, I�ll feel awful, verbally bash myself to Jeremy, he�ll get mad and then he won�t be affectionate, which will lead to negative self-talk, feeling miserable, verbally abusing myself, making Jeremy mad, loss of affection, negative self-talk � you can see where I�m going. I haven�t said one bad thing about myself (out loud) and I�ve decreased it dramatically in my head since Saturday night. He�s working on being more affectionate and supportive of me. We had a great day yesterday and there needs to me more like it. I�ve just been in this self-deprecating funk for about a month now, but I�m doing something to change it. Not only am I trying to think more positive about myself (and everything else), but I also joined Weight Watchers this weekend. Jeremy joined with me and I spent Saturday cleaning all the bad food out of our house (3 garbage bags filled with food � sick) and restocked it with $150 worth of healthy food. My meetings are on Saturday mornings and I cannot wait to go and weigh in to see how much I�ve lost each week. Jeremy and I are also working out 4 times a week (M,W,F,S), which will also help elevate my mood (endorphins). You only live once, and I�d rather be happy than miserable. Anyway, this weekend was good overall. We went to a Halloween party Friday night (my costume was not good, but I still had fun) and to our formal event on Saturday night. Jeremy looked very handsome in his suit (he wore my older brother�s) and my outfit looked nice (see I�m being positive). I was tipsy both nights (okay, drunk on Friday, tipsy on Saturday) and used all my extra WW points for the week on alcohol � oops. That�s okay, I don�t need to drink again until Saturday � and even then I�m not sure I want to use all my points on beer and wine. I�m just not very good at drinking anymore. Plus I have horrible negative self-talk when I�m drunk and Jeremy and I usually end up getting into a really stupid fight. Okay, last thing about WW (I tend to get obsessive when I diet, so if this diary turns into that, sorry) � I am amazed at the amount of food you can eat. For breakfast I had a Slim Fast shake (I blend it with 6 ice cubes, a banana and 2 sweeteners), and for lunch/snack I have a low-carb wrap (with low fat cream cheese, ham, spinach and tomatoes), Baked Cheetos, low fat cottage cheese, baby carrots and vegetable soup (it�s �free� since it�s only made with veggies and fat free broth � but it�s good). That�s a lot of food! For dinner, Jeremy and I are having a taco salad made with ground turkey and refried beans, and dessert is a cup of frozen grapes (SO GOOD). And after all that, I�ll probably still have points left, which I just won�t use. Enough about dieting and food � sadly it�s making me hungry. 11:39 a.m. - November 01, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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