singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3 Reasone Why I'm Too Fat Eh, it's Monday. I had a pretty good weekend though. Friday, Jeremy and I did as I expected, we stayed in and just relaxed. We drank some, smoked some and watched TV. Saturday we went to my little brother's homecoming game, which was fun. Jeremy and I ended up leaving after the game, but it made me miss college so much. I don't want to do it all over again, just a few nights here and there. Saturday night we went to a friend's house to play poker and I got really drunk somehow. I only had 6 beers and 2 glasses of wine, but regardless, I went to bed while the world was spinning (I hate that). Sunday we went to a bar to watch the Colts game and then went to my parent's house to pick up my puppy. We brought him home, watched Mean Girls and hung out for the rest of the night. When I was really drunk on Saturday night, I asked Jeremy this question: "Does it bother you that I'm fat?" He at first didn't answer the question, but responded with, "Honey, I need to lose weight too." When I finally got him to answer, this is what he said, "Yes, for 3 reasons. 1). I want you to be healthy so you can live a long life with me; 2). I want to be able to easily pick you up and carry you over the treashold, and 3). I think our sex life would better." He then went on to say that our sex life was amazing, but that he thinks I would be more confident if I liked my body better. He also said that he loves me for who I am and that he will love me no matter what. I can't be mad at him. I would be healther, lighter and more confident if I lost weight. But, it did hurt. It's my fault for asking and for pushing him for an answer - I don't know. Maybe this is the push I need to get my ass in gear. We haven't talked about it since that night - I bet he thinks that I don't remember, but I do. We might not be having sex for awhile, nor will I be sleeping naked - I feel like he thinks I'm disgusting now. He had his 3 reasons prepared like he had been thinking about it. I don't know. I feel so vulnerable sharing this - especially since you all know what I look like now. I know it isn't 100% obvious from the photos, but I am overweight. I am blessed though because I have always "carried my weight well." I hate that phrase, but it's true. I also think I'm fortunate because I'm pretty. I have never really acknowledged that before, which is sad really. Not because I'm *that* beautiful, but because women always get a bad rap for saying that they think they are pretty. We are admired for admitting our flaws and chastized for singing our praises. I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I guess it sucks that I'm overweight, but at the same time, I feel like I'm one of the lucky ones. I'm pretty enough were everyone treats me "normally" and I've never been made fun of or not had a date. I know I've talked about this before in a previous entry, but since I showed my picture, I guess I felt the need to explain it again. Hmm...maybe my next entry will be 100 things I love about myself. Life is hard enough and lord knows I often battle with insecurites and self-doubt. I just think it's important to take a time out to reflect on the good things about yourself. 95% of the time I concentrate on the negative, but now I feel like celebrating the positive! 12:52 p.m. - October 04, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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