singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Not a Good Week I�ve had one of those weeks where nothing seems to go my way. My workload has been tremendous, and I�m feeling the stress of having no money. Sometimes I just feel like life is so unfair. I worked hard for my education and have a job that is truly rewarding. I leave everyday knowing that I made a difference in someone�s life and helped to make it better. I�m not performing miracles, but what I do does matter. Because of that, I love working at a nonprofit, but I just wish that it paid better. Not so I can have a lavish lifestyle, but so that I can go to bed and sleep peacefully, without the thought of bills running through my head. 90% of my workday is behind my desk, doing bookkeeping or other �office work.� The other 10% I spend with the Guests. Today there was a 40-year-old man who is living with multiple sclerosis. He was diagnosed in his 30�s, and until then he lived a normal life. He has a wife and used to enjoy things like riding a motorcycle and jumping out of airplanes. This disease took away the use of his body, but he still has his mind. He�s trapped in a wheelchair or a walker and cannot perform the most basic functions without help. Today he was agitated because there were bees trapped between the window and the screen. It upset him to watch the bees struggle to escape (perhaps it was a metaphor for his own life) so I spend a half hour helping the bees get out. It sounds so trivial, but when I saw how happy he was that the bees got to go on living, it made a big impact on me. Little things like that make my job worthwhile. Although, sometimes I have to admit I dream about doing something more mundane like cashiering at a grocery store. I did that in high school, and loved it. You don�t have to think and you don�t have to take your job home with you. Plus, I would probably have health insurance and would move up to management pretty quickly. I wouldn�t really do that, but after working 4, 12 hour days and then being made to feel guilty for taking time off (with vacation time that I have left), makes me mad. Plus, on my off day, I still went to the office and put in 3 hours. Everything�s fine, but it just wasn�t the best week at work. This was supposed to be the weekend that Jeremy and I went to Florida and got engaged. Neither is happening. He has no money and I am beginning to feel very resentful for having to pay for everything. I pay the rent, the utility bills, I buy the food and the entertainment, plus I pay my credit card bills. To be fair, my dad pays my car, car insurance and cell phone bills. Truthfully though, if Jeremy would step up to the plate, I would be able to be 100% independent. He came home from work today and was mad because all of his paycheck had to go to bills (his bills). At that point, I just wanted to cry. That means I have to buy the food and pay for the entertainment for the next 2 weeks. We had a bit of a blow out and basically I told him he either had to get his shit together or he has to move out. I told him that I don�t want to get engaged right now, that I would prefer that he was able to pay for himself. I don�t want to lose him, I love him so much, but I simply cannot afford this. I hate that it comes down to money and it makes me feel selfish, but at some point, I have to think of myself. My entire existence at work is to help others, I go home and clean the house, make dinner, do laundry, clean up, buy groceries, make sure the bills are paid on time and I just cannot do it anymore. I�m frustrated and exhausted and I just want someone to take care of me for once. Am I not good enough? And on top of all that, I�ve been feeling so ugly and fat all week, which makes things worse. But I�ll stop bitching. It�s just been a bad week. I could be the 40-year-old man who is trapped in his body. Everyday he talks about how he�s the lucky one. He still has his life, and it makes me feel so guilty that I am angry or feeling depressed as I WALK by him worrying about having enough money to go out and drink with. I�m just in a funk (seems like everyone is). And hey, tomorrow I get to go shopping with gift certificates that I got for my birthday. Nothing makes a girl feel better than new clothes and new shoes. 8:42 p.m. - October 08, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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