singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Talk with Susan I still don�t know what to think about yesterday. Part of me doesn�t 100% believe it, but there is no way my boss would lie to me. No way. Maybe she just thinks she saw Susan, but then how would she know her name? How would she know things about her? I can�t say that I don�t believe in the supernatural or the unknown, but it�s hard to believe in something you can�t see. I went over to my friend�s house last night and told her about it. She�s like me. She believes it, but a part of her wonders how it�s possible. We talked a lot about Susan, had some wine, some cigarettes (I know, I�m bad), and tried to visit her gravesite, but it was closed. I haven�t been there in so long � I�ve never even seen her headstone. I�m going to go soon � I�ve said that before, but this time I mean it. It�s just easier not to think about her. So this next part will probably make people think I�m weird, and I agree that it�s probably just my mind playing tricks on me, but you never know. According to my boss, Susan wanted me to talk to her. So, on my way home I did. I first put on her favorite song and thought about her (I used to drive by the accident site, roll down my windows, and blast the song for her) and then decided to start talking (this is where it gets weird). I could almost feel her sitting next to me. I got goose bumps on my right arm and right leg only (can that even really happen?) and just really felt like she was there. Now, yes part of me fully believes that I felt her there because I wanted to, but another part of me thinks that fuck it, maybe she was there. So, I talked to her about how I was bitchy the last time we spoke, but I told her I couldn�t apologize for not wanting to meet her new man. I told her that she always dated to wrong kind of guys and I got to the point where I was not going to enable her anymore. I told her there was no way she could argue with me because I was right � not only did he turn out to be engaged to someone else, he also killed her. I apologized for being bitchy, but not for what I said. She can haunt me for life, I will stand by what I said. I also told her that it made me sad that she was sad, hurt and scared. I told her that I would do anything I could to help her, but she had to give me more obvious signs. Playing my music box was pretty tricky, but what did she want? I told her to come see me in my dreams or to have me run into her family or something so I would know what I could do. I told her I was sorry that I didn�t visit her gravesite or talk about her that much anymore. I told her that it just hurt to badly. I also told her that last year when I wanted to kill myself I got through it thinking about her. For one, how could I possibly take my life when I know how much it affects others? And two, I knew that if she would have been alive I wouldn�t have felt alone. So, that was the gist of our �conversation.� As soon as I was done, the goose bumps were gone and I went upstairs to Jeremy. He was naked and warm and he held me until I fell asleep. I didn�t sleep very well. I think I really expected to see Susan in my dreams. I don�t think I did though. I had dreams of people committing suicide and me apologizing to them. I don�t know if I�ll ever truly 100% believe that Susan�s spirit was around me until I receive a sign. If I dream about her, or run into her family or something, then I�ll believe it. Guess we�ll see what happens in the next few weeks. 11:27 a.m. - July 15, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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