singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Boring Existence My life is very boring. It�s quite sad actually. Last night, what did I do? I got home from work, smoked a cigarette with Jeremy, talked to my roommates, made taco salad, watched �Win a Date with Tad Hamilton,� watched CSI: Miami, and fell asleep. Jeremy and I were going to go for a walk, but I was too tired (and completely unmotivated). And I suck because I ate almost 50% of my calories at dinner (but still only 1,200 total). Work today is super boring. Its days like this that make me want to pack all my shit up and just drive somewhere and start over. I don�t really have a reason to stay here in Indianapolis. Yes, all my friends and family live here, but I can come back and visit. I don�t have a career, I have a job (same with Jeremy) and really, I could find a �job� almost anywhere. And most likely somewhere more exciting. Plus I�ve lived in Indianapolis almost all of my life. Part of me wants to move to Wilmington, NC (it�s where they filmed Dawson�s Creek and now One Tree Hill). My grandparent�s and extended family live there. I spent part of my summer�s growing up in Wilmington and Wrightsville Beach. My uncle, his wife (and their 2 children) live in a house next door to my grandparents. My aunt and uncle help my grandparents (more now that they�re older) and my grandparents babysat my cousins while they were growing up. My uncle is now dying of cancer (he�ll probably be dead within the year) and everyone�s lives have been turned upside down. My uncle bought my aunt a house in a different neighborhood (she doesn�t want to live in the same house once he�s dead). My cousin was a teacher in Virginia Beach, but moved back home, and bought a house in the same neighborhood as her mom (she is going to teach at her old high school). My other cousin, who is 22, has put his life on hold to take care of his father and my grandparents. He has a girlfriend of 6 years that is waiting for him in Virginia and he is attempting to get his Master�s degree over the Internet all the while helping his father, and my grandparent�s, in their last stages of life. Okay, so see why I feel guilty living here, for no reason really, doing nothing? I have my Master�s degree, and I had the chance to leave and start my career. Because I suck (and therefore my life does too) I�m still here trying to decide what career would make me happy. My cousin has given up so much already and it broke my heart when my grandma told me he said that he just wished his father would die. It would be so hard to have to go through that and help your dad by bathing him, toileting him, feeding him, and watching him suffer everyday. I know that I can�t really help my uncle. His children and wife have rallied around him and they are going to get through this. I can, on the other hand, help them by moving there to help my grandparents. They are old, need help, but refuse to move to assisted living or a nursing home. It�s tiring for my cousins, who are already going through so much, to have to be caregivers for my grandparents as well. Plus, my mom is constantly worried about them and I know she feels guilty. I�m really the only person that can go: my mom is married to my father, who has worked for the same company for decades and is the Senior Vice President (i.e. they�re not going anywhere until he retires); my older brother is married, just bought a house and just got a great job (his wife does too); and my younger brother is in college and he is not responsible enough to take care of himself, let alone anyone else. The only other person on my mom�s side is me. A girl with no career, no house, and no long-term plans. See? I�m the perfect candidate. This is all just a thought � and I�m not even sure I am wanted there (they have been doing this for so many years, I might just screw up their system). I�m just itching to pack up my bags and leave, and if I go anywhere, it might as well be there since I could help. Plus, I LOVE Wilmington, NC and Wrightsville Beach. If you�ve seen either Dawson�s Creek or One Tree Hill, you know how gorgeous it is. But in reality, I just signed a lease for next week until August of 2005. And my parent�s probably wouldn�t let me go (which, since I�m 26 sounds ridiculous, but remember that they pay for my car, car insurance, and cell phone � yeah I suck). So, anyway, I�ll be here in Indianapolis until I die. And since I can�t afford a vacation, I�ll literally never ever step foot outside of this state again. Fun times. Want to hear about my boring night tonight? I�m going home, making low fat Turkey Reuben�s, and watching TV until I fall asleep. Why don�t I do something more exciting? Because there isn�t anything do to that is more exciting, and if there was, I couldn�t afford to do it. Blah. I�m just in a bad, sulky, fuck you kind of mood. I�ll be better tomorrow. 1:54 p.m. - June 08, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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