singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nothing To Do I need something fun and different to do this weekend. I�m tired of going to the bars, but I still want to do something social � and cheap preferably. A cookout or party would be fun, but I�m not sure if that�ll happen. It�s going to be kind of cold this weekend so a cookout might not be the best idea. I�m tired of sitting at home and hanging out. I want to do something fun and exhilarating, but nothing like that exists in Indianapolis. The only �fun� things I can thing of are: bowling, having a cookout, going for a walk on the Monon, seeing a movie, or going out to dinner. None of those sound really fun to me. Oh well, I�m sure something will come up. After work tonight, I�m going to go home and clean my room (exciting I know). There is SO much hair all over my bathroom floor � it�s so foul. After that, Jeremy will be over at some point (hopefully I�ll still be awake) and we won�t do anything tonight. Tomorrow morning we�re taking my dog back to my parent�s house and that�s all we have planned. I might have to see my father on Easter, but that hasn�t been decided yet. My mom will be in North Carolina on Easter, but bought my brothers and me Easter baskets so we�ll have an excuse to go home and get them. She suggested going to breakfast with my dad, but so far he hasn�t said anything. How awful does that sound? Breakfast with my dad (we�re still not on very good terms after the whole �your life is pointless� talk. Not that we�ve ever been on good terms), my older brother and his wife (she and I don�t get along � but then again she doesn�t really get along with anyone), and maybe my younger brother (if he comes home from college). Jeremy will be in town so if my dad invites him (and yes, he is the kind of person who might just suggest I leave him at home), he�ll get to meet my older brother and his wife for the first time. Plus things are weird since Jeremy knows my father doesn�t like him. God I love family holidays. I think the thing that makes me so sad about it is that I used to be close to my family. My older brother and I are only two years apart, but ever since he got married, I don�t talk to him. It doesn�t help that she and I �don�t get along,� but I can�t help it. It�s funny though; Jen (his wife) and I have never once said a mean thing to each other. We are so sugary nice and sweet, but it�s all fake. I was so ready to like her and really make an effort, but she just doesn�t want to. And it�s not just me, all of my friends hate her and my mom cried the night before my brother�s wedding because she was sad he was marrying her. He just doesn�t see that and now we never see him (thanks Jen!). My dad and I have NEVER gotten along, so that�s not a big deal. He never talks to me and sometimes I go for months without speaking to him (and yes my entire family all lives in the same town). I wish I could say it doesn�t bother me, but it does. After college I decided I was just going to cut him out of my life by not really talking to him or making an effort whatsoever (he never did while I was growing up). Anyway, for a few years when he walked into a room, I walked out. I would only talk to him if he talked to me first. If something exciting or big happened in my life, he heard it from my mom, not from me. If I needed help, I wouldn�t ask him. I was fine doing that until my mom told me that my father asked her if she thought I hated him. Then I felt really bad. So, for Father�s Day a few years ago I wrote him this letter about how I didn�t hate him and how I hoped that now I was older we could become friends. My present to him was my offer to take him out to dinner. That was two years ago and he never responded. Whatever. At least it�s not just me, he doesn�t really like my brother�s either (all though I am WAY last on his list. I�m the fuck up remember). My little brother is six years younger than me and I am probably closest to him. I haven�t seen or talked to him much lately but he�s busy having fun at college. I�m sure we�ll see each other more once he graduates. I think he and I are the most alike. My mom and I used to be very close, but she�s changed. Or maybe I have. We always seem to argue lately. We just have very different views on life and she still thinks she can tell me that I�m wrong. Yes, I know she�s my mom, but it�s MY life. Money isn�t as important to me as it is to her. She�s also very judgmental and kind of snotty lately. Has she always been and I just never noticed? I don�t know...maybe everyone else is normal and I�m the fucked up one. Anyway, after that boring summary of my family (which I�m 75% I�ve done before)...my point was that sometimes I�m just sad because we all (except for my dad) used to get along and be a family, but now we�re not. And yes, I could go to Easter breakfast but when I left I would probably have to smoke a pack of cigarettes and do about 5 shots just to feel normal again. Blah, maybe I should just move away and then I wouldn�t have to worry about it. What I really want is a mom and dad who like me. Not love me, because I know that they do, but I want them to really like me. Like who I am as a person. I might not be rich or the skinniest girl in the world, but I�m a good, fun, loving person. Oh well. I�ll just start my own family and hopefully that�ll go better. Okay...on that happy note I�m going to get back to work. I look super cute today by the way. I have my hair tucked behind my ears and am wearing big hippy-looking turquoise earrings (you can get away with tacky earrings if you have short hair), a white hippy-looking shirt, dark jeans and white flip-flops. How cute am I? And because I�m not washing my hair everyday, I had time to leisurely eat breakfast in front of the TV this morning. What a wonderful day! 2:12 p.m. - April 09, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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