singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fat Ass I�m tired. But today I have a legitimate reason � I was out partying until 1 am. Seriously I�m so proud of that since I�ve been in bed every night before 10. I got drunk and crazy and saw lots of my friends. It�s so weird that my friends are Ben�s friends, and he was there, and Jeremy was there, and it was still cool. I was so sad last night. Jeremy really really wanted to have sex, but I was so drunk there was no way. I was stumbling around my room wearing only my underwear, trying to fasten the straps of my fuck me heels around my ankles. When I realized that I was too drunk to put my shoes on and that I probably ruined the whole sexy look thing by hopping around my room trying to get them on, I gave up. I got mad and threw the shoes at the wall, where there are now two holes. I suck. Then somehow Jeremy and I started talking about body image and how he wants to get super buff before summer because he wants to look really good when we go out. That made me mad (yeah, I was obviously an angry drunk) because guys don�t have the same pressure girls have to look good. When it�s hot out, guys wear shorts that end at their knees and a short-sleeved shirt. Girls get pretty much naked and then you have to compete with that. It sucks. Especially because I believe if you don�t look good in something, you absolutely should not wear it no matter how hot or uncomfortable you are otherwise. So that�s why during the summer I�m either wearing jeans or a skirt and I don�t do tank tops. So yeah, I have to look around at the stupid half naked girls and watch Jeremy do the same. And then in my head I start thinking that he�s thinking that he wishes I looked more like them, and then I get sad, get mad at him and then I ruin the night. Rock on. As we�re talking about all this, I�m fighting back tears, and I tell him I just want to look good. He responds by saying, �You do honey, you�re beautiful. You�re confident the way you are.� What?!? Where did he get that? Maybe he thinks I�m confident because I don�t go around talking about how fat and gross I am all the time. Why would I talk about it? Who wants to bring attention to it? My theory on this is that if nobody talks about it, then it probably doesn�t exist. So we�re talking about it and he says that we�ll lose weight together and everything is going fine until he says two things. Now I realize that talking about weight with girls is not an easy subject for guys, and he was doing so well, but he should have stopped while he was ahead. He said, �Honey, I don�t care how big you are, I love you for who you are, not for what you look like.� And later he said, �Of course I noticed that your roommate has the best ass in the world. I�m not dead. I don�t care that you don�t have the best ass. That�s not why I love you.� (My roommate reads this and I�m sure she loves the fact that we were talking about her ass last night when we were in bed:) And then he wonders why I�ll probably never have sex with him again. I was so hurt and upset by those comments that I didn�t even bother to talk about it. I rolled over and was awake for a very long time. When I woke up this morning, I couldn�t even look at him. I realized I was naked and all I wanted to do was put clothes on so he wouldn�t have the torture of looking at me. In my head all morning I was thinking that he was probably thinking about gross and disgusting I am. So I basically was really mean to him, ignored him and we didn�t have sex. What a fantastic start to my day. And his too, I�m sure. And I know that he was trying to be nice last night. But I don�t want to date someone who is all, �Yeah, you�re really fucking ugly but you have a kick ass personality.� I want him to think I�m hot. And he says he does, but comments like he made last night don�t make me feel real sexy. I guess I should be grateful that I found someone who loves me for who I am. Maybe I�m just being too superficial. Oh no, I found a man who really loves me. Poor me. He doesn�t care if I have a little jiggle here and there. Dammit! Why me? It just sucks because the little bit of confidence I had with him is kind of gone now. I said this earlier, but he is the first person I�ve completely let go with. I walk around naked, I don�t care what I look like when we�re having sex � it�s so much nicer to enjoy the moment instead of worrying about if you�re sucking in your stomach enough...I just felt sexy and confident for once. Not anymore. Now I�ll probably only have sex in the missionary position with the lights off and covers on. I�ll never have an orgasm again because I�ll be worrying about what I look like. We will never shower together again and I will constantly ask him if he thinks so and so is prettier than me. I hate that girl, and I don�t want to be her. He�s already fed up with me because for the past week I�ve been grumbling about how ugly I am. Sorry, but if you had a bright red swollen eye, glasses and no makeup you wouldn�t feel like a fucking model either. I don�t know...I guess I just want to be the hottest girl in the world (at least have him think so � which he says all the time to me but then there was last night...), but date a guy who doesn�t care. Whatever. This is so stupid and confusing. Plus I�m being really shallow. I should just forget about his comments, but I guarantee that the next time we�re drunk, I�ll be mad and crying and I�ll bring it up. Or I�ll flirt with other guys at the bar just to prove to him that I am hot and could get someone else if I wanted. Or I�ll talk about how hot other guys are incessantly and make him feel bad about himself too. God, I�m such a great person. Possibly I should just not ever drink again so I can avoid those situations. I sound like such a shallow bitch. And the funny thing is, this is not even about Jeremy or how he feels about me. I know he thinks I�m beautiful and always wants to have sex with me. This is about me and how I feel about myself. Which obviously isn�t that good. He just text messaged me. He said, �I made it home okay. Thought you would like to know. I am giving you lots of hugs and kisses right now.� Blah. I need to stop obsessing and just let him love me and try to love myself. 11:40 a.m. - March 18, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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