singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Friends Work this week is dragging by for some reason. Jeremy came in today though, and brought me lunch. It was a nice break from staring at my computer screen all day. He got in last night and was nice enough to watch the end of America�s Next Top Model with me. After that we went to bed. I�m so tired of being tired all the time. And the sex last night was kind of off. I can�t quite say what was wrong with it. It was just blah. I definitely need to put on some makeup, force some contacts into my eyes, and party hard tonight. Otherwise I�ll probably go to bed as soon as I get home. What is my deal? Could it be related to my hormones? I just found out from one of my roommates that our other roommate�s boyfriend might be getting his own place. Which is fine, except if that�s the case, then I�m sure she�ll be over at his place all the time. And starting in July, it�s going to be just her and me living together � my other roommate is moving in with her boyfriend. So, if she�s going to be over at his place all the time, I�m going to be home alone, and I HATE being alone. I like roommates and having people around. Sure I like my alone time too, but for the most part I like to interact with people. I�m getting mad just thinking about it, and it�s not even definitely happening yet. I just hate it when your �friends� spend all their time with their boyfriends and only hang out with you when it�s convenient for them. Of course everyone goes through that stage at the beginning of a relationship, but after awhile you just want to tell them to fuck off. I am with Jeremy every single weekend, but most weekends we are here, and most of those we go out with everyone. I am alone and home during the week and live with my two best friends, so we see each other all the time. And I go to happy hour about once a week with my other friends. Not too exciting, but at least I manage to see people. I think I�m better about being �alone� than I used to be. Especially after I was so depressed all last summer and fall. I think it started the day after Ben and I broke up. We had dated for years and I was obviously very very very upset about it. The next day, which was worse for me, I was completely alone. My roommates were off with their boyfriends, my family was out somewhere, and my other friends were doing their own thing. I guess I was expecting my friends to hang out with me, bash men, eat ice cream, and get drunk. That�s what they always do in movies and in books. I remember just sitting in my room, not sure what to do with myself. Shocked because most of my friends of six or more years didn�t even call. And when my roommates were home, they were with the boyfriends, going out to dinner, to the movies, blah. It just pissed me off. I think I would have been there for any of my friends... I think it was also interesting that when I was very depressed, nobody really did or said anything to me. Not that it�s anyone else�s responsibility, but looking back I�m really really shocked that there wasn�t some sort of �intervention� or something. And when I went camping this past summer, I drunkenly and tearfully told one of my friends that sometimes I get so lonely and sad that I think about killing myself. Her reaction? She was pissed because if I did that, how would I make her feel? I�m not kidding. It was ridiculous, and I think a combination of all those events made me realize that I can surround myself with so-called friends and family, but in the end we�re all really alone. And maybe I�m just being too dramatic and expecting too much out of people, but I really don�t think I would have treated any of my friends like that. Not that I�m perfect by any means, but I don�t know...it�s sad thinking about this. Okay, on that cheerful note...only a little over an hour to go before I can go home and find the energy to celebrate this damn holiday. This is the first year that I�m Irish � or that I�ve known I was Irish. My grandmother was an orphan, but someone recently did her genealogy (long story) and her mother was black Irish � which is probably why she has black hair and green eyes. I have the eyes, but not the hair. So now, I have a legitimate reason to get drunk and party. 4:09 p.m. - March 17, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||