singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sucky Ass Week! I�m kind of scared right now. Jeremy and I had a very good talk this morning, but now I realize that I could lose him. It started off with a dream I had last night. I dreamt that I broke up with him and I wasn�t that sad. When I woke up this morning, I called him just to talk. I guess I wanted reassurance that I would be sad if we broke up. As we were talking, I told him that I wasn�t sure if I would be able to drive up on Friday night because the weather is supposed to be awful. He responded by saying something snotty about how I watch the weather too much. I told him to stop being mean, and then we were both quiet. Finally he asked me what was wrong, and all of a sudden I was tired of pretending like everything was okay. I told him that I was having doubts about us and then he said he was too. When he said that, it knocked the wind out of me. To sum up what we talked about, I�m very aggressive and always get what I want. If I don�t get what I want, I get angry and mean. I wear the pants in this relationship and I have control over everything. I admitted to this and he agreed. In response, he acts like a cowering dog (he said this, and I agreed). So when I�m acting like a bitch, he responds by acting clingy and sad, which irritates me, I act like more of a bitch, he gets even more clingy and sad, and it goes on and on. What needs to change? We both do. I need to stop being so aggressive and controlling. He needs to stick up for himself. I need to date a man that can put me in my place and stand up to me. I hate that I�m so bossy. I�m the first to admit that I have these faults, and I�m not an awful person, but I do have a tendency to run over people if they let me. And I�m sure that these past few weeks have been fueled by the fact that I do have PMS, that we quit smoking pot and cigarettes, and that we are both dieting. And I�m taking my diet pills that alter the chemicals in my body. Anyway, he was angry and sad this morning, and I felt awful. Maybe him telling me that I have been acting like a bitch and that he has been having doubts too has made me realize what I have been doing. Why do I always have to test guys that I date? I�ve done this with every long-term relationship that I�ve had. You know from my past entries that Jeremy is a wonderful, loving person, so why do I have to be a bitch? Why do I try to sabotage my own happiness? I hope things will be okay. He told me that he loves me and that I love him and we�re going to work everything out. And then he said, if not then I guess it�s over. I don�t want it to be over. I want us to just be getting started. This has been such a shitty week. My parents hate me (still haven�t heard from them), I haven�t lost any more weight in spite of me taking those awful pills and starving myself of food and carbs, and my boyfriend might not be my boyfriend for too much longer. God, I�m good. 10:53 a.m. - March 04, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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