singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Work Jeremy Work Jeremy My life has been consumed by two things, work and Jeremy. I feel like I never see my friends anymore, and I haven't talked to my mom all week (which is very strange). Work is going okay, but I feel like I'm asked to do too much for the money I'm making. I stayed late the other night to clean bathrooms (dirty, stinky bathrooms), and again last night to supervise a volunteer. Tonight I will be here until 9 for our staff retreat, and it continues on tomorrow at 7:30 am (and lasts until 3:30 pm). Ugh - too much work for $27,000. And is it snotty of me to think about the pay and the fact that I have my Masters while I'm scrubbing toilets? Basically I've decided to go back to school to get my MBA. I hate school, but I would like to be able to earn a living. Applications aren't due until June 16th, so I have some time to deliberate. I would like to be an independent accountant. How boring does that sound? Jeremy. He'll be here this weekend. God, I am so conflicted about him. He told me that he thinks I act differently towards him now, like our initial "flame" is out. I think maybe I have. Why the fuck am I having conflicting feelings? I'm not trying to, believe me marrying him would be the easiest thing in the world to do. I honestly believe he is too nice, which is such bullshit. What is wrong with me to judge a person because they are "just too nice to me?" He treats me like a queen, which gets annoying. Honestly if we're laying in bed and I want water, he will jump out of bed and get it for me before I can even move. I wanted breakfast the other morning, so he warmed my car up and got me breakfast before I went to work. He rubs my back every night, washes my body in the shower, offers to blow-dry my hair, and will basically do anything I ask of him. Since we've started dating, I've become so lazy. I don't do anything for myself anymore. He really really really likes to do things for people. I guess sometimes I see him as a little puppy or a little boy starving for approval - that's not sexy. I want a man. I am most attracted to him when we're watching football and he's into the game, or if he's annoyed with me and not all over me. But I like the affection and the attention, so what's wrong with me? See still overanalyzing. That's okay...haven't started the diet yet either. I just need to appreciate what he does for me, not take him for granted, and marry him before someone else does. And then I can settle down. Being 26 is not a fun age. I should have started on my career path (I haven't found one I'm satisfied with yet), I should have a marriage prospect (I do, dammit), and I should be making money (not enough yet). What the fuck went wrong with me? And if I'm marrying Jeremy in a few years, why should I get my MBA? I want to be a stay-at-home mom. I should get it to fall back on though...And what if Jeremy doesn't make enough money for me to be a stay-at-home mom? A massage therapist - do they make a decent living? Is that a "real" career? I don't want to have to live paycheck to paycheck and be miserable for the rest of my life. I feel like my life is on pause and that I'm just waiting for things to happen. God I complain too much. Okay...good things that have happened to me. I have a job, someone who loves me unconditionally, a place to live, my health, friends, family, and just life in general. I need to remember that. Oh...and I had really bad sex the other night. This next part is kind of graphic, so don't read if you don't want to, but it's too funny not to share... This happened last weekend, Sunday night I think. Jeremy was on top, while I was on bottom using my vibrator at the same time. He was going at it, but then accidentally slipped out and rammed really hard against my vibrator, which made it ram really hard against me. I was in a little pain, but forgot about it as soon as I saw blood on Jeremy's hand. He ran to the bathroom and the head of his penis was bloody. He cleaned it off and had 3 small cuts. My vibrator looks like an Easter egg (shape-wise and has the line in the middle where the two pieces connect), and he somehow got his penis pinched in between the pieces of the "egg." He was in pain, but overall okay - all systems were go the next day. Meanwhile though, after he gets done cleaning it off, I stay in the bathroom to pee. Next thing I know, I'm start to pass out and have to lay on the floor. The sight of blood makes me faint, although it's only ever been my own. Eventually I feel fine and get back into bed, but seriously...that's some bad sex. Funny now, not so funny at the time. Blah. I am not looking forward to the retreat tomorrow. I have to meet the Board of Directors, the Board Advisors, and committee members for the first time. I hate meeting people, especially since I know that they are expecting me to suck at my job, and will be all judgmental and watching me. Oh well...it'll be all over in 24 hours. And after that, I have the Colts game to look forward to. I'm so excited. But that might not be that much fun either actually. My boss's husband is watching the game with my friends and me, because I'm trying to set up his cousin and my best friend. They are coming to the bar to meet her. His cousin, Jake, is so awesome. I would be in love with him if I wasn't dating Jeremy. Anyway...because of work-ish people being there, I won't be able to drink lots and lots or smoke. Rock on! At least it's the weekend though... 10:52 p.m. - January 09, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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