singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Better Year? Why am I still having doubts about Jeremy? I feel like a yo-yo - my feelings go up and down, over and over again. And today I was a total jealous bitch - and I hate that person. We've fought yesterday over a jar of ginger and a phone call from a friend. Stupid I know. He had a jar of ginger in his fridge, which is different considering the other contents were pizza, beer, and eggs. I had never seen it before and just thought it was an odd thing to have. I asked him why he had it and he said he couldn't remember. I thought that was funny (like haha funny, not strange funny), and was joking with him about it. All of a sudden he yelled at me about not knowing where the fucking ginger came from. He almost made me cry. Then he said something like, "Oh yeah it came from this time when someone made me dinner." My gut reaction was that he yelled at me because he felt guilty. Ben was the master of that type of manipulation - the whole "the best offense it defense" tactic. Maybe this dinner was an intimate, romantic dinner - but he apologized and I let it go. He said I sounded like his mother - sexy I know. Then a few hours later one of his friends called. A female friend, which is fine because he has lots of those and I trust him. For the most part. I don't think I will ever completely trust anyone - it's too risky. He was talking to her, about how different she looks because she's lost weight and how he hadn't seen her in a year (she was in prison - maybe that should be my next diet), and then he says, "No I can't tonight. I'm really tired, I'm just going to go to bed." Nothing about how he was with his girlfriend but maybe they could get together another night. That I would have been fine with. It was what he didn't tell her. And last night, I asked him about it and he told me that he didn't say anything about me because she already knew he has a girlfriend. So, I let it go. And then today, after I think about it, and obsess over it, I decide to ask him about it on the phone. Needless to say it didn't go over very well. He didn't really get mad or anything, but I could tell that he was feeling very impatient with me, which is understandable. I hate the jealous girl that comes out sometimes. She's not pretty. And really I have no reason not to trust him. He spends every weekend with me and I've met most of his friends and family. He has a picture of me in his car. He wants to marry me. I should trust him until I have a definite reason not to. And I need to stop obsessing. Sometimes easier said than done. Life is easier if you don't think about it too much. And now I just got off the phone with him and had another tiff. I hate that word, but it wasn't a fight, just a little argument. I was telling him a story about my hair (yes I am that fascinating) and he responded with, "I have bad heartburn tonight." Now, understandably my hair is not the most interesting topic in the world, but when he answers with that it makes me feel like he's not even listening. So I told him I hate it when he immediately changes the subject after I tell him something and he grumpily said, "Sorry." I hate this nagging bitchy jealous girl that I'm being. Does anyone else ever think that relationships start to get real around 3 months? It has always happened to me - the initial newness wears off and reality sets in. If you get past the three month mark, you're usually golden for a few years at least. And other times, when I'm not being this stupid girl, I don't even want him around me. I question my feelings for him - if he's the right one for me. I think he was going to ask me to marry him on Valentine's Day. That really scared me. I'm not ready yet. I hoped I made it clear enough when I said, "I think we should wait to get engaged until at least December." I think I will know for sure then. As sure as I can be anyway. And then still there are other times when I look at him and I cannot wait to be his wife. Where I love him so much�Okay, this is where I need to stop obsessing and just have fun. That and losing weight will be my resolutions for this year. I need to stop taking my life so seriously and just have fun at living it. Otherwise it might all pass me by and I'll still be sitting there analyzing everything around me. On that note, I'm going to go to bed and wait for Jeremy to call me. He might drive down tonight. If he does he won't be here until 1:30. I'm so tired, but it'll be good for me to see him. Although after our little tiff about my hair and his heartburn, we'll see if he shows up tonight. He said he could only come down if he could get his money from his parent's house. Wanna bet they won't be home or something? Oops. There I go analyzing again. I suck. Happy New Year everyone. 11:04 p.m. - January 02, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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