singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jeremy I cannot wait until my computer is fixed! The new cord is supposed to come in on Friday - hopefully then I'll be able to update more. So things with Jeremy were good this weekend. I was so nervous about him coming down. It was strange at first - I wasn't sure how to act or what to say. It got better though and now I feel more comfortable around him. On Saturday we went to see School of Rock and then went to dinner. After that we went out to the bars with my friends. On Sunday we rented movies and watched football. He left Monday morning - that's the short version of my weekend. I think I like him. He's so serious about me already, which is kind of weird. He told me he likes me and knows what he wants but is going to take it slow because I want to. But, how slow are we taking it if we're seeing each other on the weekends and talking every night on the phone? He says things like, "I've never seen anyone so beautiful," or "I have so much fun when I'm with you," or "I miss you." I say "Thank you," and that's it. I don't want things to go so fast. It's just so soon. We'll see. He is the nicest person though. Opens doors, listens to me, asks me questions about my life, pays for things...honestly I couldn't ask for more. He also loved my friends, and they all loved him. Even the guys. Seriously all my friends are all about him. He talked to everyone and bought drinks for everyone. Just so nice. He is also amazing in bed. Amazing. I've never had so much sex in my life. And not just sex, but great sex. And he's so tender and sweet. And he's got a great body. Huge shoulders and biceps. So what's the catch? There has to be one. It could be that he's a massage therapist and looks at naked women all day. I don't really like that. And not just looks at them, but touches them. I'm a very jealous person and that's going to be very hard for me to deal with if things go farther. Other than that, I think my biggest complaint is that he's too nice. On Saturday I was thinking that he was not enough of a "bad boy" for me, but then I had an epiphony. I think I figured out why I'm overweight and date assholes. You always here that there is a reason why people are overweight (yes it's because they eat too much, but WHY do they?), but I could never figure out why I was. I didn't have a horrible childhood, or any of the other reasons most people give, so here's what I think. I have low self esteem. I think most people do, but I never think I'm good enough for anything. I usually don't talk to people I don't know very well unless they talk to me first, because I just assume that they don't want to talk to me because I'm not good enough. The low self-esteem is not the epiphony, but it's tied to it. I think that I subconsciously sabatoge myself so that I have an excuse not to be good enough. Being overweight gives you a lot of excuses. If someone doesn't like you or if you don't get the job, it's not because you're not good enough, it's because you're fat. The fat acts like a buffer to the outside world. It filters everything that happens to me so that I can see things how I want to, not how they really are. This is the same way for guys. I don't think I deserve better. I think that because of my low self-esteem I should be fat and that I should date losers. I'm done with it. I've never been more motivated to work out and to eat healthy because now it's like I'm battling the weak side of me and I don't want to be that person anymore. It's hard to explain, but I feel like the pieces have finally come together. And it's the same way with Jeremy. I'm just going to let myself go and enjoy life and enjoy being with someone who is good enough for me. And if it doesn't work out, fine. I will always be so grateful that he triggered my new line of thinking. Okay...there's more stuff from this weekend (yes Ben did meet Jeremy), but I have to go get ready. I'm going shopping for fabric to make my Halloween costume. I don't want to be Princess Leia. She wore ugly clothes. Hopefully I'll be able to finish this on Friday. 11:18 a.m. - October 22, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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