singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Drunken Thoughts Hi. I�m not even sure why I write in here anymore. It must be so depressing to read this journal. Not that I think many people read this. I wish I had something positive to say. I wish I started this journal years ago. The person I used to be is so different than who I am now. I think a few years ago I was happy. Maybe I wasn�t though. Maybe I just tricked myself into thinking I was happy. How do you ever know what happiness is? And what scares me is the thought that I might never be happy with myself. A few years ago, I was 23, na�ve, and thought that everything would work out perfectly. It�s funny how life changes in just a few years. How differently you can feel about people, places, and things. And probably in a few months, or even years, my life will again be so different, and I will have a different outlook on things. I hope so. I guess that�s all anyone has is hope. You can try to shape your life and make things happen for yourself, but in the end, life can take any road it wants to. Something that really struck me is from the movie �Riding in Cars with Boys.� In the movie, Drew Barrymore�s character said that life is made up of a few great moments that change your life (or something like that). The moments can be good or bad, but in the end, they shape the direction of your life. Sometimes I lie awake and wonder what the moments will be for me. What will happen to me that will change my life? Will they be good or bad? Have I had any of these moments yet? I�m not sure. I think that the death of one of my best friend�s has affected me the most, but has it really affected the outcome of MY life? I should go to her gravesite. I haven�t been there in so long. I was there before they even put up a headstone. I should also go to the school where she taught fifth grade. They have a memorial garden for her. They planted Black Susan�s in her honor (her name was Susan). I wish she was here. God, I wish she was here. I think she would understand me. And then I feel guilty. Who the fuck cares that I�m unhappy right now? I have my life. And she doesn�t. It�s almost like I�m dishonoring her by being sad about what�s happening to me. I went to dinner last night with my father. To talk about my future. Both of my parents are being so supportive of me, and are helping me out financially and with job prospects. I tried to tell my dad about wanting to leave Indianapolis. He understood, but thinks that it should be in the long term. I agreed with him to make it easier. How do I even put into words how lonely I am? That being lonely when you are alone is much easier than being lonely when you are surrounded by people who love you? Then I would have an actual reason for feeling so isolated. And I really hate the person I am now. I am so mean. I am mean and vindictive. I�m not sure why I�m doing it. I guess so I really have an excuse for being alone. Or for feeling alone. Is there really a difference? I�m going camping this weekend, and I�m not looking forward to it. I will be surrounded by 17 other people. People who I consider my friends, but I know that I�ll still feel like an outsider, or a joke. What do I need to feel real? I feel like I�m suspended in time, waiting. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for the next phase of my life to begin. I just reread this entry, and seriously, I�m so dramatic. Hmmm�can you tell I�ve been drinking tonight? Alone, but that�s okay. I need to get used to doing things alone. I need to be more independent and okay about not being surrounded by people at all times. I�m 26 and I need to grow up. And with that, I�m going to have a cigarette, and I�m goinjg to bed. And I�m going to sleep tonight. And sleep well. For a change. 11:09 p.m. - October 01, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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