singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Another Sad Entry I�m not even sure what to say. I can tell you about this weekend. Parts of it were fun. Other parts were not. My life just isn�t that fun right now. I feel so lonely. Anyway�Friday night my roommate Ann and I ate dinner, watched TV, drove around listening to Brooks and Dunn, and I taught her how to do the Push Tush. I�ve never listened to country music before. I really like Brooks and Dunn though. Anyway Friday night was fun and Ann and I acted like we were 15, which was fun. Saturday I woke up and both my roommates were with their men. I was bored (and not hungover), so I cleaned the apartment for my birthday pre-party we were having that night. We played drinking games (I love Flippy Cup) and I opened presents. After that we went to the bars and met the guys out. There were probably about 20 people out for my birthday, which was nice. I did so many shots and decided that I wanted to sleep with someone. Luckily sometime that night I decided that I didn�t want to sleep with someone, I just wanted to kiss someone. Last time I got in this mood, I almost ruined my life. I was in rare form though. I flashed the line of people waiting to get in the bar. I gave one of my guy friends a lap dance, I kissed almost all my friends, and I told one of the guys (who is close to Ben) that I wanted to kiss him. God, I�m so embarrassed. He first said that he couldn�t because of Ben. I said fine. Later he was saying that maybe we could. I told him that he was too late that it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. Lots of other random drunk things happened (nothing too exciting) and then the bars closed and we went home. I was not ready to go to bed, but was all alone. I realized that everyone I was with, went home in pairs (except me). Not all were boyfriend/girlfriend pairs, but everyone left with either a friend or a significant other. I was sitting alone in my apartment (well my roommate and her boyfriend were passed out upstairs) and I just started crying. I was outside smoking a cigarette and 4 am and my neighbor�s friend came up on his motorcycle. He smoked a cigarette with me (oh, I was wearing a t-shirt, underwear and nothing else and it was 40 degrees outside) and told me his girlfriend was out of town and that I should go home with him. I considered it for about 2 seconds, but sent him home. If I would have gone with him, I would have been riding on the back of a motorcycle in 40 degree weather, without a helmet, almost naked, to a different town, with a guy who was also drunk. To have sex with a guy who�s girlfriend is out of town. Thank God I didn�t go. It just scares me that I was so lonely that I even for a second considered it. I woke up on Sunday, briefly saw my 2 roommates and then didn�t see them again for the rest of the day. I�m obviously too dependent on my roommates to entertain me. I was so sad all yesterday. Again everyone else was with someone but me. I lost Ben, and in a way I lost my roommate Ann now that she�s dating someone. I lost both the people I always paired up with. That probably doesn�t even make sense, but it sucks. And yes, I�m sure I sound whiny and pathetic, but I can�t help it. I�m just so unhappy now. And my life has no meaning. I can�t find a job. I have tried and tried and nothing. Nothing. Yes I�m slowing losing weight (I was able to wear a skirt on my birthday that I haven�t worn since my 23rd birthday), but not fast enough. I have nothing to do. What am I going to do today? Apply for more jobs I won�t get? Fun! Ben didn�t come out for my birthday. He invited me to go to BW3�s to watch wrestling last night, but there was no way in hell I would do that. He picked which night to have off. He picked wrestling over me. His �best friend.� Also, he has been drinking since 2 pm yesterday afternoon, and I didn�t want to be around drunk Ben. I�m not really upset that he wasn�t out on Saturday. I would have tried to sleep with him and that would have been a huge mistake. My actual birthday is not until tomorrow, and I will be pissed if he doesn�t even call to wish me a happy birthday then. But that will just show how selfish he is. I�m not even sure I care that much. Okay�that�s it for today. I�m not sure what I�m going to do now. Look for jobs on Monster I guess. Maybe get enough energy to workout. Do laundry. Watch TV. Be sad. What a fun fucking day.
10:51 a.m. - September 22, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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