singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Life Plan, yeah right Life plan�I don�t have one. I tried to make one, but it seemed redundant. The things I want for myself are things that everyone desires. The real question is how do you achieve your goals? It�s especially sad that I have my Masters in Social Work, and I still can�t figure my life out. Here are the things I want: 1. To lose weight and gain muscle 2. To eat healthy foods that are beneficial to my body 3. To find a job that will support my lifestyle 4. To find a job that is fulfilling 5. To find hobbies and activities that do not involve going to a bar or drinking 6. To find a great man, who has a similar lifestyle and goals as mine 7. To get married to this man, and raise a family 8. To be happy These are not in any particular order, however I see everything depending on items 1 and 2. There is no denying that life is easier for thinner people. Healthy, attractive people have an easier time finding jobs and partners. It is also easier for them to participate in more activities, and have the self-confidence to try new things. I�ve been working on items 1 and 2 my entire life - especially more in the past few years. I wish I could be happy as I am and accept myself as is, but in reality, the way I look now is not who I really am. And what scares me more is what if I lose weight and I still am unhappy? I always think that once I lose weight, my life will be perfect. I know it won�t be. But it�s true that it�ll be easier. I�m working on it � still taking my Meridia and eating healthy foods, but what if it�s not enough? I spent hours today applying for new jobs. Why can�t I find a job? I�m now applying for jobs in which you only need a high school diploma, but they won�t hire me because I�m overqualified. Do they not realize that I am so desperate for a job that it will be for their benefit? It�s frustrating and it�s making me feel like a complete jackass. And with the way I look, and the places I go, I�ll never find a decent man. It can happen, but it�s not easy finding a quality guy in a bar. Plus, I go to the same places, with the same people, weekend after weekend, and it�s not happening. I need to do other things to meet people, but what? I don�t really have a talent, and there isn�t much to do in Indianapolis. I could volunteer (which I really like doing), but in my experience, not many guys volunteer. And realizing all of this, and knowing that my birthday is next week, it makes me panic. I�m going to be 26, and I have nothing. Yes I have my health (if you can call being overweight healthy), and I have friends and family, but none of this are things that I accomplished. So, as I said in my last entry, I need to get off my ass and make things happen for me. What else can I do besides eat healthy, exercise, apply for jobs, and try to do a new activity? And I know I�m being whiny and I really do have things that many people don�t, but I�m not happy right now. I think I�m depressed. Maybe I should just see someone, but I don�t want to. What I want is for something to fucking work out for me for once. I think I�m most afraid of turning into my aunts. They (like me) come from an upper middle class family, but because of choices they made, they ended up working minimum wage jobs and married to men who could not support them, or their families. And if they were happy, I would be fine with that. But they look so run down and tired all the time. I just see that as the path I�m headed down and it scares me. I don�t want to be on this path, but what if I can�t find another one? What if I end up alone and miserable for the rest of my life? Does anyone else ever feel this way? 7:48 p.m. - September 17, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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