singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Warning: VERY long I�m so tired of drama. I have not been able to sleep the past few days because of all the shit running through my head. Where to start? Work: My last day was very sad. It was harder than I thought it was going to be. Everyone said goodbye, and they got me a gift certificate to a spa. I also got a bottle of champagne and a few other trinkets. Everyone there was so nice and I really do miss working with them. I still haven�t found another job! I just don�t know what to do anymore. I�ve sent out dozens of resumes and applied at a temp agency�guess I�ll have to get a job serving or something until I find something better. And if I hear one more person say to me, �You can�t find a job and you have your Master�s degree. That must really suck!,� I�m going to hit them. Ben: I don�t even know where to begin. I saw him pretty much all of last weekend. Saturday night he was so drunk, that I had to take him back to my house. We got to my apartment, which is so muddy because we don�t have grass right now-just lots of mud and hay, and I had to lift him out of the car. He fell, of course because he is too heavy for me to lift. I get him to his feet and he walks around my car and falls face first into the mud. We struggled for about 10 minutes, with him falling over and over again, until I finally got him to my door. At this point both Ben and I are covered in mud. I get him in the door and take off his shoes. He runs upstairs and tracks mud all over the walls and banister from his hands. I go to my room, and discovered that he�s bleeding. Now there is blood all over my white carpet. I take off his clothes (which at one point he accused me of trying to get on him - right.), and wipe as much mud and blood as I can off of him. He goes to bed, falls out, has to puke, goes to bed, falls out, has to puke, goes to bed, falls out, has to puke, and then finally falls asleep on the floor. At this point, my room is so gross, but I�m so tired, I go to bed. Wake up the next morning, and Ben is feeling fine, not hung over at all, and ready to party. I made him clean up his mess and took him to his car. He thought the whole thing was hysterical, and I was so annoyed. I did it for three years; I don�t want to do it anymore. That day, which was Sunday, we went to a cookout at my friend�s house. I got there at 4, and Ben was already drunk. The cookout was fine, Ben went home with friends, and I went to my house. These friends of Ben�s (which are my friends too) are the guy I slept with and his girlfriend, who knows about her boyfriend and I. They are into the drug scene, which in my opinion, Ben has enough problems without adding more. They bought a tank, which Ben lied to me about, and I guess he finally passed out around 5 am. Ben called me on Monday and when I asked what he did after he left the cookout, he told me that he went to bed. Why would he lie to me about getting a tank? I think things are bad when you hide shit like that from people. He�s been over there a lot lately so I think he might be starting a downward spiral. I don�t want anything to do with it, but I don�t see how that�s possible. If I cut him out of my life, I have to cut all my friends out of my life. It�s just so hard and frustrating. And now, I think things might be worse. Yesterday, I met with Sarah (the girlfriend of the best friend I slept with). In my defense, they were not dating when we slept together. Neither were Ben and I. So really, what did I do wrong? Technically it was two consenting single adults that slept together. But, since they were on a �break,� and we were �friends� before, she was very upset about it. Anyway, we never really got a chance to talk about it, so I agreed to meet her. She is very cool about the situation. We ended up talking for over four hours and we realized that we have a lot in common. A lot. However, two very shocking things happened yesterday. One, she didn�t know that her boyfriend and I had sex. He told her that we just made out. That really upset her, understandably so. She was okay with it eventually and decided that it wasn�t what happened between her boyfriend and I, it was that something happened in the first place. We leave, all happy and feeling much better about each other and the situation. We even agreed to let it go and never talk about it again. Fine. I get home and my phone rings. It�s her boyfriend, yelling at me. Wanting to know why I told her and all this shit. Anyway, they get in a huge fight and he left to spend the night somewhere else. It just seems that so much shit has happened with this couple and me, and I�m so fucking sick of being in the middle of it, without meaning to. I just want them to make up, and get back together and just let everything else go. Two, Sarah informs me that she told Ben that her boyfriend and I hooked up. My heart literally stopped. I�m kind of surprised I didn�t faint. Sarah and Ben are very close now (and yes, that does bother me) and had this heart-to-heart while sucking on nitrous. He didn�t believe her and he hasn�t asked me about it, so I�m think that he doesn�t remember. I�ve talked to him twice since, so we�ll see. Anyway, she apologized for it and promised that she won�t do it again. It will come out, and you know, as much as it�ll suck, it will be nice to not have to worry about it anymore. I�m tired of this stupid drunken mistake that I made five months ago. I just want it to end. So Sarah and Ben. I don�t know what I�m jealous of. Not of them hooking up. She is so in love with her boyfriend, that she would never do that to him. I think I�m jealous of the long nights they�ve spent talking about their lives and beliefs (they�ve done it twice) - and the fact that they are going shopping together on Friday to buy him new clothes. Do you know how many fucking times I tried over the past three years to get him to buy some better clothes? That pisses me off so much. I guess it�s just because this is the first time he would rather spend time with another girl than with me. Oh, and he got her a job serving at his restaurant. It�s hard. And this girl and her boyfriend are just not the best influence on Ben. I am going to predict the future here. He is going to spend an increasing amount of time with them at their house. He�s going to drink more, do more drugs, and slip into that lifestyle again. He is going to start dating one of Sarah�s friends, and they are going to be this fun, partying group that will eventually lead Ben to hit rock bottom again. I�m not going to be there to pick up the pieces this time. I just wish he, and this other couple, would just go away. Why does this fucking bother me? I�m so sick of Ben. Fucking sick of him. I don�t want to date him, so why should I care? I know, blah blah blah. I�ve talked about this so much. It�s just this big shitty circle that I can�t seem to get out of. Norman (his real name is way cooler than that), my best guy friend. He and his new girlfriend are very cute together. I really like her a lot and I�m sincerely glad he�s happy. What�s wrong? I�m jealous as hell and want to date him now. What the fuck? I�ve known him for seven years and aside from my initial crush on him, I haven�t seriously thought about dating him. I have in passing and mentioned him a few times in here, but this was very unexpected. Oh well. I had my chance. Maybe something will happen in the future. So basically, I feel like a huge guilty loser. And recently when I�ve gone out with my friends, I�ve felt this huge overwhelming loneliness. It sucks. It gets so bad, that I don�t even have the energy to talk to people. I literally stand there with my friends and listen to conversations. I only talk when someone directly asks me a question, and then I answer it in the shortest possible way. Maybe I�m depressed? I don�t know. I can�t sleep - I think that�s a sign of depression. Life will get better. This is just a momentary shitty time period that has now lasted over five months. It has to get better soon, right? Okay�good news. My brother�s wedding is next weekend. It�s almost over. I have a bridesmaid luncheon, the rehearsal dinner, and then the wedding and reception. And of course I have to spend the entire wedding morning/early afternoon with the bridesmaids. Blah. But, that will be it. Finally! My last piece of good news�I lost 8 more pounds, which brings me to about 18. These pills really are the miracle drug. I never snack anymore, even when I�m drunk. Last Sunday we went to BW3�s after the cookout and I was the only one who didn�t get food. It didn�t even occur to me to eat. 18 pounds is really good, but I know it would be more if I could just stop drinking. Not that I drink every night, but we go to the bars about three times a week. Even if I don�t get drunk (which is most often), I still have about 600-800 calories of alcohol. It�s pointless. Okay, I�m done with this long-ass entry. Sorry it�s so long, but I haven�t updated in awhile and I had a lot to say. 3:11 p.m. - September 04, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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