singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm Baaaaack! Well, here I am back at work. I'm not sure what to say about my vacation. Parts of it were good, parts of it were not. I don't think I like Ben very much. I think it's going to be hard for us to be friends, when we never really were friends in the first place. The feeling I have right now is hard to describe. I want to like Ben. And I do sometimes. I still wish Ben could have loved me like I wanted him to. But if you take out the sex and obligation of a relationship, there isn't much left to Ben. Or maybe just to Ben and me. I think he just treated me like someone he could still walk over (and yes, I used to let him do that) and not like a friend. At first during our vacation I tried to please him. If he was annoyed I would try to make things better. If that seemed to annoy him, I would give him space. It seemed that everything I did pissed him off. Finally on Friday morning I couldn't take it anymore. I was seriously thinking about getting drunk at 10:30 am because that would have made things better. But instead I confronted him. He told me he was sick of me being his mother. I have never wanted to hit anyone so badly. Yes, I agree I probably am like a mother to him. I take care of him when he's drunk (cleaned up after he pukes, got him water, put him to bed, made sure he gets home safely), I give him money all the time, I drove him around for 2 years when his license was revoked... I just took care of him for so long. And this is the thanks I get? It'll be worth it though if I learned my lesson. I will not be a doormat ever again. I have never let anyone walk over me before and I will never do it again. God, I hope that's true. But, as I said, parts of the vacation were good. We didn't hook up at least. Not even a kiss on the cheek. Which while it made me happy, it also made me sad. I know, I don't understand myself. I don't want him, hell I don't even like him, yet I'm sad he didn't try to get on me? I can't explain it. But we ate good food (diet? what diet?), drank, visited wineries, went to the beach, shopped, and just relaxed. It was good to get away. I just wish it would have been with someone else. Oh well. Maybe this was the closure I needed. Finally the lights dawns and I realize that Ben is a huge asshole! How much do you want to bet though that as soon as I see Ben with a girl again, I'll get all sad. I wish he'd just move away. And I don't want to hate him. I want us to be friends, but he has to treat me as one. A real one. And oh, one last weird thing...whenever Ben woke up, it was like he forgot we weren't together anymore. He would wake up and say, "Hey Boo," all cute and sexy (which he never does anymore). Or he'd wake up and put his hand on mine when he talked to me. Just little things that he hadn't done it awhile and only did right when he woke up. It was strange. And now that I'm back from my relaxing vacation, it's time for me to panic. I have 35 days to find a job. Forty resumes later and no responses. Yay me! I don't really feel like writing about this now. It'll be for another day when I'm really depressed about my lack of money and how I'm going to be financially dependent on my parents for life. Why the fuck did I go to college and grad school? Okay...I'm stopping before I have a panic attack. Did anyone else see the Melissa Joan Hart (Clarissa, Sabrina the Teenage Witch) wedding special yesterday? I thought it was so cute. And I didn't even really like her before I saw it. I was literally sitting on the couch crying almost the entire time. The actual wedding is airing next Saturday. I don't know what was wrong with me last night. I got way too emotional over it. Probably because she's rich and someone loves her, while I'm poor and all alone. I really need to stop feeling sorry for myself:) Anway, bottom line, Michigan rocked, Ben didn't. Back at work and back on the diet. Real life sucks. 12:26 p.m. - July 28, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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