singlegirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Am I Psycho? Ugh. Monday's. At least this is a short week for me (I leave for Michigan on Wednesday morning). My weekend was okay, I went out with the girls Friday night and talked with my roommate Norine about our friendship (we used to be best friends, but since she started dating Michael, things have changed). Plus he spends the night EVERY night and it gets annoying. He doesn't contribute to our household, but yet he's always there. We talked and cried (we were drunk) and hopefully things will be better. I think I made one very good point that hit home with her. I asked her when was the last time she asked me to do something with her. She couldn't say. It's always me asking her to hang out. That's when we started crying. I just hate that friendships can be ruined over men. They come and go, and even if you marry the guy, you will be with him for the rest of your life (supposedly). You don't need to spend every second with each other right now. Enough of that... Saturday my mom and I went shopping and she bought me so many clothes. Do I feel badly that I'm 25 and my mom still buys me clothes? Yes. Enough to not take them? No. She bought me 2 new pairs of jeans, new workout shoes, new black pants, 3 work shirts, a red warm-up suit, 2 new pairs of flip flops (J Crew is having a huge sale), a jeans skirt, a bathing suit, and a terry cloth skirt to wear to the beach on my vacation. And she bought me lunch. So nice. I love shopping with my mom. Oh, and my bathing suit is good. I don't like my ass at all, but in this suit, you would never even notice. The top is so low cut, you don't notice anything else. Which, many bathing suits are like that, but I have bigger boobs so usually I can't wear things like that. But as my mom said, I'm young and they won't look like that forever, so enjoy them. Hmmm...wonder what Ben will think? On Saturday night we went out again (Ben was there). It was a pretty uneventful night except that Ben spent the last half hour talking to Ashley. Ashley is friends with one of my good friends, but I have never met her before. She has cancer and has been going through chemo. She was wearing a wig because she lost her hair. Anyway, last night was her first night out and she was very nervous about everything. She seemed nice, wasn't super cute (but she had Ben's favorite - big boobs), but it could have been the wig. Anyway I look over and there's Ben sitting next to her and talking to her. For all I know he was just talking to her because our friend kept telling everyone that she was nervous and looked bored. But it made me sick to my stomach. I was blinking back tears while trying to appear normal. At one point he pointed at me and I got so angry. I didn't want him talking about me to another girl. Then I saw him shake her hand (didn't ask for a phone number, but he could get it easily if he wanted it), and get up to leave. I ran. Went to the bathroom and immediately my phone started ringing. It was him. He was apologizing for leaving without saying goodbye. He couldn't find me. I didn't call him back. Then at 8:45 am he text messaged me again. I ignored it. He called at 2:00 pm and then at 7:00 pm. Finally I called him back and we talked and I acted like I was fine. Seriously what is wrong with me? Oh and it gets worse. Ashley came up to me after Ben left (when I returned from the bathroom) and said that Ben mentioned that I got my Masters in Social Work and she was thinking of doing the same thing. All I was able to say to her was "Don't bother. It's a waste of time. Do something for yourself and get a degree in business." Then I walked away. She did nothing wrong. She is barely fighting cancer and spoke to a guy (who's single) for a half hour about school. I just don't understand why it affected me so badly. I don't want to date him again. I really really don't. Half the time I don't even want to be friends with him. Plus, I have absolutely no right to be angry with him, especially in light of what I did. I think it was just the first time I saw him "talk" to a girl. I think it's more of a competition and I lost. It makes my stomach hurt to write this entry. Plus I know that Ben will start dating before I will (he's ready now and I'm not even close), and that makes me feel sad. I just need to grow up and let go of him. And, before I get into another relationship, I need to be happy with myself. I need to make myself happy and be in a good place in my life before I can share it with everyone. I need to find a job (still nothing!) and lose weight. I need to be happy on the inside and outside. One good thing of the Ben and Ashley saga - it has made me want to work harder than ever to reach my goals. And the super good news? I've lost 7 pounds. Eating whole wheat grains, fruits and veggies and low fat makes the weight FALL off. Oh and doing an hour of cardio every morning at 5 am. I had a really good workout this morning. Burned 750 calories. That's breakfast and lunch! And the biggest diet tip? Fiber One. For breakfast everyday I eat a cup of it with a cup of skim milk and a piece of fruit. The cereal is 120 calories for 1 cup and has 28 grams of fiber. It takes your body more energy to burn that cereal than the amount of calories it has in it. Do you know how much 28 grams of fiber is? Yes, you do have to go to the bathroom more frequently, but it makes you lose weight faster. My mom's Weight Watcher group did it for a week and they all lost an extra 2-3 pounds more than they usually do. I lost 7 pounds in one week. Of course we were also all dieting and exercising, but I think this cereal is amazing. Anyway, this is obviously nothing scientfiic, but it worked for me. I missed Sex and the City last night. The digital cable was out. My mom taped it for me though. I'm getting a pedicure tonight with Norine. And I have so much to do before my trip. And, this is my last weeknight until next Sunday. I love vacation. Although work tried to get me to take the whole week off, I said no. I am saving days for my job interviews. Kind of ironic. Have a great day. 10:00 a.m. - July 21, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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